One way or another
by snb29
Summary: A Lily/James multi-chapter fic set after the lake scene in Order of the Phoenix where Snape calls Lily a mudblood. I've been working on this for about a year now, so any comments would be more than welcome (it's my first offering). Oh, and sorry the chapters are so long, when I started writing I wasn't thinking of it as something to go on here.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Lily sat at the desk, flicking through the textbook. She felt like banging her head against the table. She knew she'd done the right thing about Severus, but it was still really hard. She couldn't be friends with someone who called her a mudblood, and idolised people like Mulciber. But Sev had been her best friend for years...

"A sickle for your thoughts?"

Lily looked up to see Remus Lupin sitting down opposite her. She sighed and shook her head.

"Ok then, I'll guess. You're feeling guilty about saying what you did to Snape, and wondering if you should forgive him." he saw the look of surprise and recognition on her face and rolled his eyes. "Lils, it doesn't take a genius to work it out." he closed her book and started to put them away. "Come on. Let's take a walk."

She put her transfiguration notes back in her bag and stood up to help Remus put her books away. Before long the two of them were walking down a corridor, deserted because of the nice weather and exams. Remus sat down on a bench and Lily took a seat next to him. She stared at her knees, sitting in silence. She'd never been good at talking about her own feelings. She was better at other peoples'.

"You're so brave." Remus said quietly.

Lily looked at him in surprise. That wasn't what she'd been expecting. "How? How am I brave?" she sighed. "Right now, I just feel foolish.""How are you not? You just stopped talking to your best friend because you stuck up for your principles and you're proud of who you are. I wish I was like you."  
Lily shook her head. "No, you don't. I just lost the best friend I ever had, my sister hates me –"

"Hates you? How could anyone ever hate you? You're clever, funny, pretty, nice –"

"I'm a freak!" she burst out, then clamped her mouth shut, looking up to the ceiling. She couldn't cry in front of Remus. It'd get back to James, and she couldn't handle him laughing at her, or worse, pitying her.

Remus shook his head angrily, clenching his fist. "Who the hell told you that?" he demanded furiously. Lily was silent. "If it was James, I'll –"

"No!" Lily said, shocked out of her silence. "No, James may be an insensitive prick sometimes, but he's never called me a freak." she sighed sadly, then looked up to see remus watching her expectantly. She sighed again. "It's true though. I am a freak. I'm a freak at home, and I'm a freak here. I don't belong anywhere." she wiped the traces of tears from her eyes.

"Lily, you're the best in every class. Of course you belong here."

Remus watched in shock as Lily dissolved into tears. She was mumbling something, but he could only catch occasional words like 'mudblood', 'Severus' and 'freak'. He pulled her in for a hug, stroking her long hair. If he ever found out who'd called her a freak, they'd regret it.

"Lils, you are one of the kindest, cleverest, prettiest, bravest girls in our year. In all of Hogwarts. You know who you are, you have no reason to be ashamed of that, and most of the time you're not. Whatever idiot has been calling you a freak obviously doesn't know you." He paused. "And if they can't see how amazing you are, they don't deserve you."

He heard her catch her breath. "But... she's my sister." Lily said in a small voice.

Remus groaned inwardly. He'd been half hoping it had been Snape who'd called her that as it would help her cope with him not being her friend any more. But if her family was disowning her because she was a witch... Well, he could understand why someone calling her a mudblood, particularly someone close to her, would make her react like this. He'd never hated Snape the way James and Sirius did, but seeing Lily like this could change that.

"And she's right. I am a freak. I don't belong with the muggles and I don't belong here."

"That's bullshit and you know it. Merlin's beard, Lily, you're a genius. Forget what other people think of you. What's important is what you think of yourself."

"I'm not brave, Remus. I'm not brave enough to ignore what people say about me."  
"You're braver than me." he said quietly.

Lily just shook her head. She didn't deserve to be in Gryffindor. Didn't deserve to be at Hogwarts. And as for Remus saying she was brave, it was total rubbish. Walking away from Severus hadn't been brave. She could have tried to reason with him, make him see that calling people mudblood was wrong. But she'd just run away.

"Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is to admit that you've lost someone."

Lily cursed. "Was I saying that out loud?" she saw Remus nod, and swore again.

"Seriously though, admitting to yourself that there are things you can't change, and living with that, if very brave."

A group of sixth years walked past, talking loudly about the results of the last Quidditch match, and what it meant for the house cup. Lily grimaced. Yet another way she didn't fit in. While she could just about cope with flying a broomstick, she was nowhere near good enough for the house team... Unlike James, who could have played any position he wanted with ease. She shook her head slightly to clear away any thoughts of James. All they did was remind her of earlier, out by the lake...

"Come on Lils, cheer up. While it may feel like the end of the world, it isn't."  
Lily smiled weakly, then shook her head again. "I just can't believe I've lost him." she said desperately. "I don't know how to not be friends with him"  
"You aren't allowed to let him off on this." he said sternly. "I forbid you. You can forgive him, but don't forget how much he hurt and insulted you. He doesn't deserve you, and you don't have to be friends with some idiot who thinks he's better than you."

He hugged her again, not knowing what else to say. There was obviously some serious stuff going on in Lily's life that she'd find difficult to put behind her. While being a werewolf depressed him sometimes, at least he had good friends who didn't care about it, and a family who supported him. He couldn't imagine coping like Lily did – with her family not supporting her and the best friend she'd ever had acting like a prejudiced bigot. But he couldn't explain how she was so much braver than him without admitting to his 'furry little problem'. He sighed. Would it help Lily to know she wasn't the only one struggling? Or would it stress her out even more? Or worse, would she tell everyone?

"What if he is better than me? What if it's true -?"

"Don't let him make you think that!" Remus interrupted loudly. "It's not your fault you're different to him. Different. He's the one who can't deal with the fact that you're amazing. Look at you, top of the class in everything, and you're in Gryffindor –"

"But I shouldn't be! I'm not –"

"Brave? Lily, you have no idea." he looked around reflexively, checking there was no one around. "I can prove you're braver than I am for a start."

"If you're just going to say that James and Sirius protect you, that's rubbish."

He shook his head. "Lily... Oh, bloody hell, how do I say this... I'm" he paused. "I'm a –" he swallowed. "Lily, you know how James is always referring to my 'furry little problem'?"

She frowned, then nodded.

"Well, it's not some badly behaved rabbit, like people seem to think. I'm a w –" he swore. "Come on Moony, just spit it out..." he looked around again. "Ok. I'm a werewolf."

Lily was shocked. "That was...unexpected. But I'm confused. How the hell does this make me braver than you? If you've been living with this all by yourself for five years..."  
"Longer than that. But I've had people supporting me. And no one knew, well, hardly anyone. Lily, you've had people calling you names for just as long, for something you can't control either. I've had James, Sirius, Peter and my family helping me cope. You've spent at least the past year knowing your best friend thought of you as inferior, and the past five years with your sister calling you names too." he sighed. "I don't know how you do it."

"But Remus, you've been keeping this secret all this time. Knowing that if it got out –"

"Yes, it's a risk. But here's the thing – if it got out, I'd leave. I couldn't live with everyone staring or calling me names. But you cope with that every day. And even now, you weren't packing your bags. You were doing extra work. If that's not bravery, I don't know what is."

"I suppose..." Lily said reluctantly. She paused, a small smile gradually appearing on her face. "Moony?"

Remus shook his head, rolling his eyes. "Yup. We're all so imaginative..."

"Hang on. Padfoot? Wormtail? Prongs? Where the hell do they come from?"

"Oh no. That's not my secret to tell." he chuckled. "You'll have to ask them."

Lily grinned. "Peter'll tell me if I offer to help him revise for tomorrow. You know he will." she sighed. "Is it bad that this is cheering me up? I mean, just having it to think about." then she gasped. "I don't mean you being a werewolf, though obviously that's nothing to be ashamed of, I just meant, you know, the name thing..." she trailed off.

He smiled sadly. "I know what you meant, don't worry. And unfortunately I think you're probably right about Peter. For one thing, you wanting to know will make him feel important. For another, well, it's been hard enough keeping him quiet. He isn't the best at keeping his mouth shut."

Lily grinned again. She'd always wondered about the weird nicknames they had, but had never been able to get up the courage to ask. Not even while doing prefect duties with Remus this year. Moony made a lot of sense with him being a werewolf. She couldn't believe he'd managed to keep it secret this long, and no wonder he'd skipped class the day they were learning to recognise werewolves...

"You must have loved that question in the exam." she said quietly.

Remus looked at her, confused by the random change of subject.

"Five signs that identify the werewolf?" she said, trying not to laugh. "Do you think you got them all?"  
He rolled his eyes. "That's exactly what James said. You two..."

Lily glared and elbowed him in the ribs.

"Sorry, sorry," he laughed, putting his hands up, "it's just the fact that you both asked the same question, in a very similar tone of voice." he hid a smile as Lily kept scowling at him. "Don't worry, Lils. I'm not here to bug you into getting together with James."

It was true, he thought. He wasn't there for that. He was there because he and James had both noticed that Lily was distinctly not ok after what happened by the lake, and James had known that if he followed her she'd just tell him to shove off. As much as it had killed James to admit it, they'd both known Remus would stand a better chance of actually managing to talk to her about it.

"He was worried about you, you know."

"Remus..."

He ignored her warning tone. "He asked me to check you were ok. Knew you wouldn't talk to him about it." he shut up, then took a deep breath before continuing. "Sorry, I just... You should know that it isn't all a front. He does actually care about you." he looked nervously at Lily. "Sorry, I'll shut up."

Lily didn't say anything. She couldn't deal with that, not with everything else going on. James was just too... complicated. While it was nice to know he gave a shit, she couldn't cope with a relationship with anyone. Let alone James... She looked at Remus, who seemed to be about to start banging his head on the wall in frustration at having said anything.

"Don't beat yourself up," she said, putting a hand on his shoulder, "I'm glad you told me. I just... With James, I never know if I want to hug him or slap him! It's not that I particularly object to him, as a person. But I have enough going on right now without James making it even more complicated and difficult."

"Why do you two do that?"

Lily frowned. "Do what?"

"Ok. So if I'm talking to him about you, he calls you Lily. If I'm talking to you about him, you call him James. But as soon as you two are together, it's 'Potter' and 'Evans'."

"You talk to him about me?" Lily squeaked, half angry, half nervous. Then she shook her head. "Sorry. Ignore that."

But Remus was already laughing. "It's just a matter of time, Lils..."

She folded her arms. "It's more a matter of him becoming less of a cocky bastard, so that I want to kiss him more than I want to murder him. Well, not murder him. But turn him into something that can't talk and annoy me." Lily looked at Remus, seeing that he seemed to be attempting not to start laughing again. "What?" she elbowed him again. "What, Moony?"

Remus couldn't speak. If Lily knew how close she was to guessing why he was called Prongs... He gritted his teeth in an attempt to stop laughing and get a grip. He couldn't wait until Lily found out. Her response was going to be hilarious. As long as she didn't report them.

"What is so funny?"

"Nothing, nothing. Sorry Lily." he fished around for a change of subject. "You going to the end of exams party tomorrow night?"

"Just Gryffindors, right?"

Remus sighed. "Yeah. Don't worry."

Lily bit her lip. "And you promise James won't try to snog me owing to being drunk on Butterbeer and Firewhiskey?"

"Well, no..." he said hesitantly. "But I do promise I'll distract him if you want me to."  
"Thanks, Remus."

"Hey, us prefects gotta stick together."

They both stood up as Professor McGonagall appeared in the corridor. She smiled at them and walked over. "So, Evans, Lupin, how have the exams been so far?"

Lily smiled. "Alright I think. There were a few dates I wasn't sure about in History of Magic, but apart from that they've all gone well."

"And you, Lupin?"

"Similar issue. I messed up Ancient Runes slightly, but I hadn't been well the night before."

McGonagall gave him a shrewd look. She glanced at Lily, who immediately became engrossed in looking for something in her bag.

"It's fine, Professor. I'm just glad you could reschedule Astronomy for me, so it avoided my 'illness'. Thank you."

Lily stood up again, to see the teacher looking sympathetically at Remus. She smiled. "Don't worry. I'm fairly sure you'll still have got O's and E's in everything.2  
"As will you, Lily."  
McGonagall showed a rare smile. "I very much hope you both get the results you're hoping for. You're bright students. I'll see you in the Transfiguration exam tomorrow." she walked off, heading for the staff room.

They watched as she left, then Lily looked at Remus. "Did they really change the Astronomy exam for you? I thought it was weird that they did that when there wasn't a cloud in the sky..."

"It isn't the clouds you need to watch out for." he said, winking at her.

Lily laughed. "That's right, Moony."

"It's so weird, you knowing..." Remus mused. "James and Sirius worked it out, so of course they told Peter what they thought before asking me. My parents wrote to Dumbledore, so he already knew. He told McGonagall, her being our head of house an' all. So I've never really...told anyone."

"Are you ok with it though?" she asked in a concerned voice. "I just mean, if you ever want to talk about it... I know you've got the guys," she said seriously, "but if you ever want to just talk."

"Thanks, Lils." he smiled. "It means a lot."

Lily couldn't help but smile back. Remus had done a really good job of cheering her up. He'd managed to make her forget for a while that she no longer had a best friend, inside Hogwarts or out. And that she had an exam tomorrow, and should be revising. Transfiguration was important, although she preferred Charms. She picked up her bag, and the two of them started walking, heading out towards the greenhouses, chatting about what might come up in the two halves of the exam the next day.

"Switching spells, definitely." a voice said.

Lily looked up to see James, Sirius and Peter emerging from behind Greenhouse Two. She stopped walking and folded her arms. She might not be friends with Sev any more, but that didn't mean she approved of the way they picked on him. James smiled ruefully at her.

"Hey Evans." he tried.

Lily didn't say anything. It was much more fun seeing him try to work out how mad she was. It definitely hadn't been the best day, but teasing James was continuing to improve it.

"Do us all a favour, Prongs." Sirius said casually. "Give up."

James tried to elbow Sirius in the ribs, but he dodged out of the way, laughing. Remus shook his head patronisingly, and Peter grinned. Lily bit her cheek rather than allow herself to smile, and attempted to continue glaring at James. He took a step towards her.

"I just..." he turned from her, to Sirius, to Remus. "Look, could you guys just give us a sec?"  
Sirius snorted, and walked off, followed by Peter. Remus looked at Lily questioningly. She nodded, and shifted position to lean on one leg. Remus followed after the others, leaving Lily staring at James coldly. He flinched, and looked at the ground.

"I'm sorry." he told her regretfully. "I really am sorry about, well, before. I shouldn't have taunted him. If I hadn't, he might not have said... He might not have called you what he did."

Lily clenched her fists, then released them. "It wasn't your fault. I mean, you didn't help. But you can't blame it all on yourself." she gave him a small smile.

"So... Apology accepted?"

Lily nodded, and started walking to find the others. "Come on, Potter." she said teasingly.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Lily put down her quill, smiling. That was the last exam done, OWLs were over, and she couldn't help but be happy. It hadn't been that bad either. She'd known what to write for almost all the questions, and been able to make an educated guess on everything else.

She looked around to see Mary with her head on the desk, having obviously not enjoyed the exam. Sirius was doing his usual trick or leaning back on his chair, trying to look cool. Remus was flicking furiously through the paper, evidently attempting to check every answer in the last five minutes. She didn't know why he bothered. He'd probably got at least an E, if not Outstanding. Sadly, the same was probably true of Sirius and James. Peter...not so much. Though, he'd probably done better after her lending him her notes last night. And what he'd told her afterwards...

Animagi! Lily could hardly believe it. She'd known they were smart, but that was very advanced magic. She'd never have dared to attempt it, particularly without Ministry supervision. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs... He'd shut up when she'd asked what animals they were, but she was sure she could manage to guess. Besides, if she told Remus she knew, she'd probably be able to get it out of him without him even noticing. Wormtail...that had to be a mouse, or a rat. Padfoot...maybe a bear? and Prongs...well it had to be something with horns or antlers, that much was certain. James looked up, seeming to feel her gaze, and Lily looked down at her paper.

"Quills away!" McGonagall's voice rang out across the hall. She looked around, then waved her wand, summoning the answer papers so that they landed in a neat pile on the desk at the front of the hall. Lily looked around as people started talking and noticed Severus heading towards her. She grabbed her bag and started walking, pushing some Hufflepuffs out the way as she left the Great Hall at a jog. She knew there was no chance of making it to the Common Room before Sev caught up with her, but the girls' bathroom was only one floor up.

"Leave her alone, Snape!" she heard James shout angrily.

Lily turned to see Remus holding James back as Sev kept walking away from him. "Stay out of it, Potter!" he called back, not seeing Lily at the corner up ahead. "It's none of your business anyway!"  
"It is if you hurt her again!" James was struggling against Remus, who seemed to be fighting a losing battle trying to calm him down.

"Will you both just shut up!" she yelled. Severus and James both looked at her, evidently having both thought she'd run much further than she had to get away. "It's neither of your business what I do and how I feel. Just leave me alone!" she took a step towards them and took out her wand, not knowing which idiot to aim at. "If either of you follow me I'll hex you, don't think I won't!"

She looked around, her face growing hot as she noticed the huge crowd of people who had just witnessed her freaking out. She couldn't stay there any more, everyone was staring. Sev and James both looked as if she'd just punched them in the stomach, and James wasn't struggling against Remus any more. She looked at Moony, clenching her wand tightly. He nodded once and she turned tail and ran. Someone called her name, but she ignored them, not stopping until she was back in her dormitory. She collapsed on the bed, sobbing.

Time passed, and Lily stayed curled up on her bed, tears rolling down her face every so often. She knew she should go to dinner, but she couldn't face the stares. Or the whispers. She was better off just staying here, hugging her pillow. She could kill herself for freaking out like that. Especially threatening to hex them... It was so embarrassing that everyone had seen her explode at them.

The dormitory door creaked open, but lily didn't look to see who it was. Everyyone had seen what happened after the exam. They wouldn't be surprised that she wasn't in a celebratory mood.

"Ummm... Lily?"

It was Mary. Under most circumstances, Lily would have sat up immediately to talk. But she just ignored her.

"I just came to see if you were ok. I told the rest of them to wait downstairs before they get changed for the party. Thought you might appreciate some privacy."

Lily sniffed, and sat up. "Thanks, Mary." she tried to pretend there was something in her eye, but could tell her friend wasn't convinced.

"It's alright to be upset, Lils." Mary said, sitting down on Lily's bed. "Like me mam says, 'it's a long road that hasn't any turning'."

Lily laughed weakly. "I'm not sure I completely understand the point."

Mary shrugged. "I think it's something about life not always going the way you plan it. But that that's ok. When I have kids of me own, I'll tell 'em you can't cook a chicken without a decent size flame. Similar thing, the way I see it."

"Until they set the house on fire." Lily observed.

Mary laughed. "Alright, maybe me mam had the better idea. All I'm saying is that it's alright to cry. You haven't had the best couple of days."

"You can say that again." Lily said, shaking her head sadly. She lay back on the bed, folding her arms across her chest. It was all very well for Mary to say that she could cry, but what she really needed to do was to make the decision as to whether she was going to clean herself up and go to the party, or sit on her bed, weeping. She sat up, and wiped the tears away. Whatever she did, she wouldn't disappoint Remus. She was a Gryffindor. She was supposed to be brave. And if courage meant showing her face in the Common Room for a couple of hours, then that's what she'd do.

"Alright. Find me something to wear."

Mary grinned and started rooting through Lily's wardrobe. She held up a green t-shirt for Lily's approval, but Lily shook her head. Green was Slytherin's colour, and she didn't want anything to remind her of Sev tonight. She gave a start as a blue v-neck top landed on the bed next to her, followed by a gold cardigan.

"The skirt you've got on will do just fine, as long as you put those on. I'll go and tell the others they're allowed up here to get ready, then." she walked across to the door, then turned back. "You'll want to give your face a wash and put a bit of make up on. For sure, tear stained is not your best look, Lils."

Mary walked out, seeing Lily manage a fake smile as she got up to change. She had to stop crying, it was getting embarrassing. She wasn't a first year; she should be able to cope with her own emotions without weeping on people or flipping out in corridors. For one thing, Sev wasn't worth it. If she let herself think about it, his opinions had been getting worse for a while now. She should have made him realise that she couldn't be friends with him if he was going to act like that. She sighed. At least she'd done it now.

The rest of the dormitory appeared, chatting happily. There was a slight decrease in volume as they spotted Lily at the mirror, but the noise got louder again as she turned to smile at them. Better a fake smile than real tears, right? Even if it was more of a strained grimace than an actual smile?

Why had she told Remus she'd go tonight? She should have said she'd be working, getting ahead for next year. Something, anything other than pretend to be loving life. Because she bloody well wasn't. At least the exams had given her something to focus on and let her ignore the way Sev was changing, just for a while. Though getting tipsy on butterbeer could make her forget for a bit longer. Which did have its benefits. Though there was a serious possibility that it would just make things worse, not to mention that in the muggle world she couldn't legally drink... But still: she'd have to drink an awful lot of butterbeer in order to get at all drunk.

"Lils?" Mary offered her a gold hairband. Lily looked up, blinked once, then took it. Tears wouldn't help, especially now she'd put mascara on. She put the hairband on, and noticed the rest of the dormitory looking at her appraisingly.

"That looks nice." Alicia smiled. "D'you want to borrow my gold flats? We're the same size, I think..."

Lily smiled at her and went to get the shoes. She pulled them on, chucking her black ones back towards her bed. She stood up to see Alicia looking concerned.

"I'm fine." she insisted, looking around. "Honestly."

Alicia hugged her. "No, you aren't. But you will be." she sighed. "But don't tell me you're fine. The disappearing act yesterday, the screaming match just now..."  
Lily gulped. There was no way she could admit to having been crying on Remus' shoulder the whole of the previous afternoon. The Hogwarts rumour mill would start turning until all the Gryffindor girls knew, then they'd 'have' to let friends or siblings in other houses, and the whole story would escalate until them being a 'thing' was the new hot gossip. It hasn't been like that. He'd literally just been cheering her up. But no one else would understand that. Besides the last thing Remus needed was more attention drawn to him.

"Well, I'm as fine as I'm going to be for now. So don't worry about me."

"Sure?" Elsa asked, tossing her wavy hair. "Because you just have to say if you need us. We're here."

Lily shook her head. "What I need right now is an update on any gossip I've missed." It was true. She needed to hear what other people had been up to to reassure her that news of herself wasn't the only thing spreading like wildfire.

The three girls smiled at her. "For sure, a quick catch up won't be a problem." Mary agreed. "Where shall we start?"

How about we start with the cosy catch ups you and Evan have been having in the library?" Elsa accused as she turned to face Mary with arms folded, the effect slightly ruined by the tie stuck halfway around her head from where she'd been pulling it off.

To Lily's surprise, Mary blushed and actually looked guilty. "We were revising." she said, not convincing anyone.

Elsa laughed. "Oh yes. Because snogging him behind the shelf was definitely brilliant revision for charms."

"Evan Pearson? The one in Ravenclaw?"

Mary blushed deeper. "It was revision." she insisted.

"Of what?" Alicia spluttered, knocking her bag on the floor. "Human anatomy? The constituents of saliva?"

Lily looked at Mary shrewdly. "He would only help if you kissed him, right?" Mary looked at her, then nodded.

Elsa burst out laughing. It wasn't long before Alicia followed, and even Lily managed a giggle before Mary scowled at them. There was silence for a few seconds, before the three girls collapsed in fits of laughter again. It took a full minute of hysterics before Mary's stony expression had any effect. Even then, it was only to make them be quiet – giggles still escaped every so often.

"Well, for sure I'm glad you all find it so amusing." said Mary sulkily.

Elsa attempted a straight face. "Sorry Mary. But, well, is anything-?" she stopped at the foul look on Mary's normally good-natured Irish face and tried to fish around for another conversation topic. "I hear his sister is dating Charles White. Both Hufflepuffs."

"Matilda?" asked Alicia. "How did I not know this?"

"Because Elsa is a terrible gossip." Lily tried to be disapproving and elbowed her in the side. "I doubt it's true. And even if it is, it's their business." She made a mental note never to tell Elsa about the afternoon with Remus, or how much closer they'd been getting lately. She'd definitely be one to take it the wrong way.

Elsa shrugged, and continued rummaging for accessories. The four girls were almost ready to head downstairs. Lily took a deep breath. She was going to have to show her face, particularly after having bothered to get changed. Even if what she really, really wanted was to go to bed and cry herself to sleep. She swore under her breath. She was just going to have to stick it out for a bit, act happy, and then go back to bed. Sleep was good. Mainly as it helped in ignoring and forgetting things.

"Right." Alicia said, dabbing at an imaginary blemish on her cheek. "Shall we be off."

There were murmurs of assent from the room, and Elsa led the way out. Mary squeezed Lily's arm before pushing her down the stairs ahead of her.

"You are not getting out of this. You just have to show your face."

Lily rolled her eyes, turning slightly as she walked so that Mary could see. "As long as you don't try to set me up with James again. I am not in the mood." She turned back to focus on the winding stairs, and heard Mary give a disappointed sigh. "Me getting drunk and snogging James could possibly improve this evening. But I'm thinking the self-loathing added to the hangover will not be a pretty sight in the morning. So leave it."

"So you admit it would improve your evening then." Elsa observed, winking back at her.

Lily ignored her. James, whilst seeming to be trying to improve, was still an arrogant idiot. And whilst if she had to date a guy he'd be one of her top choices, the fact remained that he was just too...self-assured. And this was her. Kissing him one evening in a corner of the Common Room wouldn't help her in the slightest. While she was sure if Mary felt a bit off one evening that sort of thing would cheer her up quite successfully, it just wasn't her.

They reached the bottom of the stairs to see James and Sirius pulling party food out of a magically-expanded bag, along with a barrel of butterbeer and half a dozen bottles of firewhiskey. Lily raised her eyebrows at Remus, who put his hands up, laughing.

"I didn't see any point in trying to stop them. You know what Padfoot's like. " he looked her up and down, seeming to see through the gold hairband and shoes to the fact that she was still freaking out. "You alright?"

She nodded, and walked over to the drinks table. James looked sheepish, and Sirius just shook his head patronisingly before going to get Mary a drink.

"Hi Evans." James hesitated. "Umm... Butterbeer?"

Lily shook her head. If she was going to stay here instead of bolting, she needed something stronger. "Firewhiskey, thanks Potter." she ignored the way his eyebrows raised so that they were covered by his tangled mess of hair, and took the strong smelling glass he offered. It was going to be an interesting night.

"I'm going to bloody kill him!"

Lily didn't even look up as the threats broke over her head. How could she have been so stupid? Why did she go out there? Why did she talk to him? She'd been doing so well at pretending she was fine, and then Mary had told her Sev was outside the portrait hole, begging for her to talk to him. Why couldn't he just leave her alone?

"If you think I'm just going to stand here when he's made her cry like this –"

Was she crying? She hadn't even noticed.

"James, just leave it."

She heard him storm out, and stood up, surprising the group of people clustered around her. She felt someone grab her arm, but shrugged them off, walking out of the portrait hole as if she was in a dream.

"I'll say it again, Potter, it's none of your business!" Sev was standing in the middle of the corridor, wand in hand, his hair covering his face.

James' voice was quiet. "What the hell did you say to Lily?"

Severus gave a slight laugh, and inclined his head towards the Fat Lady's portrait. "Why don't you ask her yourself?" he paused, his black eyes flashing. "Oh wait, I forget. She won't talk to an arrogant git like you."

"What, because she'd rather talk to a slimy prejudiced scumbag like yourself?" James yelled, sparks shooting out of his wand. "I've seen the way you look at her, you- "

"What about you, Potter? She knows you've fancied her for years, and yet you still haven't got anywhere. Where's that brave Gryffindor spirit? Or maybe she just doesn't like you!"

Lily closed her eyes, and took a deep breath. She looked at the pair of them, pulled out her wand, and murmured, "Silencio."

James and Severus fell silent, the charm taking effect instantly. Lily sighed, and took a step forward. "Am I allowed to talk for myself now?" she said angrily. "Snape, I have nothing to say to you I haven't already said. James?" she walked forward until she was standing right in front of him, ignoring Severus entirely. "You can't fight my battles. You can't talk for me. I have to make my own decisions, and until you can accept that..." she hesitated and then spoke quietly."Stay away from me, Potter."

He mouthed her name, and she hesitated, with no idea what to do next. She should go, she should just go, there was no reason for her to stay, so why did standing in front of James feel so right?

Snape grabbed her wrist, and she jumped, the moment gone. "Get the hell off me! What gives you the right to touch me; I don't want you anywhere near me! I told you already: I can't be friends with you. Not any more." Lily put her hands in her dressing gown pockets. They'd been having hot chocolate and toasting marshmallows before this happened, and she still had a few marshmallows melting in one pocket. She wished she was sat back by the fire. Why had he come? Hadn't she been clear enough before?

"Please, Lily. I'm sorry." he mouthed.

She shook her head and folded her arms. "Just leave."

Severus hung his head, his greasy hair falling to cover his face. He peered out at Lily, before glaring at James. It was a few seconds before he dropped his gaze and started to turn away. Lily bit her lip, folding her arms still tighter to stop herself reaching out for the boy who'd been her best friend since childhood. She rubbed one leg against the other, trying to stop herself from going after him. Almost as soon as he was out of sight she visibly untensed.

To James, she seemed to crumple under the strain of letting Snape go. He wasn't thinking as he pulled her in to hug her tight. All that mattered was that Lily was in pain. He tried to tell her that she'd be alright, but her charm still held. All he could do was hold her close to his chest and hope that she understood. For a long moment she leant into him, letting him comfort her. James gently kissed the top of her head, letting her snuggle against him. A noise from the Common Room seemed to wake her up and make her remember where she was. She looked up at him, unsure, and then stepped back. James' heart sank as she moved away from him. He opened his mouth to say something, then remembered he couldn't.

Lily had no idea what to do. She couldn't just stay here, hugging James, no matter how good it felt. She had to make her point, to tell him to let her live her life. She needed some freedom, the freedom to make her own choices. "Potter?" she said hesitantly. "James, I can't –" he took her hand, but she shook him off. "You have to let me make my own decisions, you can't protect me all the time. If you can't accept that... Then I can't hang around with you." she paused, unsure, looked at her feet, and then back to James. "So please," she begged, "try to give me a bit of space?" she sighed. "I don't want to lose you too."

James stood there in silence as she walked back to the Common Room. He knew he should do something, but none of the options he had seemed right. He could go after her, but it was obvious that was a stupid plan. She'd just told him to stay away from her. He could just stay here, but he'd get caught, and at this point in term he'd probably just lose Gryffindor points instead of getting a detention. Besides, it would be about thirty seconds before Padfoot and Wormtail were out here to bug him, possibly with Moony in tow – though he thought (well, hoped really) that Remus would talk to Lily.

No, he had to go, the question was where?

An image of Snape appeared in his head. "Maybe," it sneered, "she just doesn't like you."

James clenched his fists. He had to believe that wasn't true. That Snivellus was talking bollocks, as usual, and sticking his hooked nose in where it didn't belong. He didn't have to respond, didn't have to rise to it...

"She won't talk to an arrogant git like you!" the Snape in his head goaded.

"Shut up!" James shouted out loud.

"Well, will you listen to that, Wormy." a cool voice said. "We hadn't even said anything yet."

Sirius put a hand on James' shoulder and pulled him into a hug. While he didn't see the attraction of chasing one uninterested girl, he understood that James was really hurting over Lily. And that suggesting he got off with a drunken Mary O'Connelly, whilst tempting, would not be helpful. James didn't roll like that.

"Remus is telling all the girls to go back to their dorm and let him deal with Lily. You know him. Firstly, he's not completely drunk like they are, and secondly, he's a hell of a lot less likely to spread rumours."

James smiled weakly. "Thanks."

"It'll be ok, James" Peter tried.

"She knows you've fancied her for years," Snape's voice appeared in his head again, "and yet you still haven't got anywhere."

James groaned, and grabbed his head. He couldn't cope with having that voice appear in his mind every time he thought about Lily. Of course he knew it was because Snape was jealous – anyone could see that he didn't just want to be friends with her – but that didn't mean his words didn't hurt. Mainly because he'd voiced all the niggling doubts in the back of James' head. If he could convince himself Snape was talking rubbish, it would be fine. But his points, however horrible, had a bit of truth...

"She'll see sense eventually, Prongs." Sirius assured him.

James turned away. "I'm the one who needs to see sense. She's made it perfectly clear what she thinks of me. I'm a complete prat. I don't deserve her."

Peter looked at Sirius, perplexed. James was always sure of himself, always convinced he'd get the girl eventually. When Sirius jerked his head towards the portrait hole, Peter was more than happy to go. A bewildered James disturbed him – he was so used to being the one the rest of the Marauders took care of.

"James, look at me." Sirius waited for his best friend to turn back towards him. It took a minute or so, but he eventually did. "Now, I'm not going to tell you that you don't act like a bit of an idiot every so often – everyone does. What I'm going to tell you is to have a good think about what you want before you talk to Lily again."

"She won't talk to me." James said miserably. "And I don't blame her. She's perfect, and I'm a cocky idiot."

Padfoot gave a barking laugh. "Well, to start with, no one's perfect. If she wants you to change, well..." he shrugged. "Think properly before you start acting different just to get in her knickers. If she can't accept who you are, it won't last, and you don't want to lose your friends by being a goody-two-shoes." he winked, before continuing. "I'm not saying you can't act a bit more mature every so often. But if you start going to Homework Club instead of sneaking out to Hogsmeade with us, we won't be bringing you any chocolate frogs."

James nodded distractedly, still thinking, then gave a start when he realised Sirius was still talking.

"- get Wormy and we'll go if you fancy it?"

"...go?"

Sirius sighed despairingly. "Hot chocolate in the kitchen? You've got the cloak."

"Oh." James rumpled his hair reflexively. "Yeah, that sounds like a plan actually. I'll wait here while you get Peter."

"Just go!" Lily sobbed. "I've ruined the evening for enough people."

Remus hesitated, looking at his friends, Peter looking at him pleadingly and Sirius seeming completely nonchalant, as per usual. He motioned for them to go, and took the seat next to Lily, ignoring her choked protestations. He wanted to be there. There would be no peace in Gryffindor Tower until James and Lily had sorted out what was going on, and he didn't want either of them to get hurt in the process. Unfortunately, they seemed to be doing a pretty good job of hurting each other, and there wasn't much he could do about that.

"Why did he have to come?" Lily said suddenly. "Why couldn't he just leave me alone? He obviously hate me-" she ignored Remus' objection and continued – "no, he does! If he liked me at all, he wouldn't..." she trailed off, thinking. Remus looked at her expectantly and she spoke again firmly. "You can't be a Death Eater and still be friends with a mudblood."

Remus winced at the word. Well, not at the word as such. More at Lily's acceptance that such a derogatory, offensive term applied to herself.

"Maybe he was never my friend. Maybe he was laughing at me the whole time." she paused, and buried her head in her hands. "Maybe he's the greasy, dark magic-obsessed freak everyone's always said. I was stupid to think he was my friend."

"No." Remus put a hand on her shoulder. "Lils... Just because he's on the wrong path now doesn't mean he's always been. People change."

Lily gave a hysterical laugh. "No they don't. Sev tried to drop a tree branch on my sister's head as a child because he wanted my attention. Now he wants attention from the Slytherins, so he curses people. That first term at Hogwarts, you were amazed you were part of the 'cool gang'. That hasn't changed. James wanted to be a brave Gryffindor, and is still trying to protect me. And me? I couldn't believe I could go from normal life into this magical world. Now, it seems that there are people who don't want me to. Nothing changes."  
She shook her head sadly and stared into the embers of the fire. Remus watched her for a moment, then put his arm around her to hug her. He was dimly aware that this could look like more than it was, but he didn't care. It wasn't like that between them. All that mattered was that Lily was unhappy. He looked into the still burning coals, staring but not seeing.

"I feel so bad." Lily whispered.. "I shouldn't have said... Oh, Merlin!" she got up and went to stand by the portrait hole. Remus could tell she was trying not to cry.

"What did you say?"

She turned towards him, the fire's glow lighting up her red hair. "I told James that if he couldn't stop being an obstinate pig and trying to fight all my battles I couldn't stay friends with him. I need the freedom to make my own decisions, and I hate it when he curses people just to look cool. But he thinks I hate him, and I don't! I just need him to give me room to breath!"

Remus looked at her, tears in her eyes and her hair falling over one shoulder. She obviously liked James more than she wanted to admit to herself. He could understand where she was coming from too – while being a Marauder made him part of the popular crew, they sometimes did things he didn't entirely agree with. That was probably why they'd made him Gryffindor Prefect, to try and control that. It hadn't really worked. Well, it had to some extent – James and Sirius were now only in detention once a fortnight instead of every weekend and some week nights., but that was more because they'd been doing some work for OWLs and because they'd got better at covering their tracks, rather than because of his influence.

"Don't worry, Lily. I'll make sure he understands. If I possibly can, I'll convince him to act like a decent human being every so often. Particularly towards you." he stood up. "And I'll try to keep him away from Snape. No one wants any more arguments."

Lily pulled her dressing gown tightly around her. "Thanks, Remus. I can never say things to James the way I want to say them. He makes me feel...nervous." she hesitated, then gasped. "I don't mean... I just... i dont' want to say the wrong thing. I care enough about him not to want to hurt him. but I can't-"

"Ssh, Lils. You don't have to go out with him just to make him happy. You can take all the time you need to make the decision yourself."

Lily looked at him and burst into tears. It was so hard. She didn't want to hurt anyone, and she did quite like James, but that didn't mean she could cope with the stress of beign a couple. It just wasn't the right time, for her or for James, and she needed everyone to leave her alone about it. She couldn't deal with it right now. It was lucky she'd have the whole summer to get her head straight, and deal with the repercussions of the past few days. And for James to attempt to stop acting like a total prat.

"I know that Remus. Please, can you just talk to him? Convince him that I don't hate him, and that giving me the time and space to make a decision would be helpful?" Lily twirled her wand between two fingers. "I don't think I said it right before. I just want him to have the decency to back off for a while. Oh, and preferably to stop being quite such a show off." the ghost of a smile appeared on her face.

Remus nodded. "Of course, Lils. Besides, you've got a bit of time this summer. You deserve a good holiday. A bit of time without everyone watching you will help."

"Thanks, Moony. You're a real friend, for both of us." Lily sniffed back the last few tears. "I think I'll head off to bed now though. I need some sleep, so that I can forget all this for a while, if nothing else."

The two of them started walking towards the suitcase that ascended towards their dormitories. Remus didn't fancy sneaking out for hot chocolate, particularly as he knew all James would do would be to ask him about Lily. The pair of them made almost as good a double act as Padfoot and Prongs, though with Sirius James was generally laughing. Lily made him act more mature, it was true, but also more childish as he tried to score points. Privately, Remus felt he should relax a bit more around her, show her that he wasn't always cursing people or playing Quidditch. But James would manage that without some serious effort.

"Night, Remus." Lily said quietly.

"Ok then, Lils. Good night."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

The weeks until the end of term passed by in a blur. Lily spent half her time in her dorm, avoiding people, and the other half with the Gryffindor girls, trying to act as if nothing was wrong. If anyone noticed the edge of hysteria that hovered every time she laughed, they were kind enough not to mention it.

James and Severus were both avoiding her, and while it was what she'd asked for, she wasn't convinced it was doing her stress levels any good. She couldn't shake the feeling that Sev was watching her, waiting for her to calm down so he could try to win her back. The fact that he was still trailing after Slytherins who clearly wanted to be Death Eaters meant that that was never going to happen. And James... He looked away any time she caught his eye, he sat at the far end of the table, near the teachers, he stayed out until curfew or beyond, then went straight to his dorm... It was as if he was scared of her. Lily could have laughed out loud at that if it didn't make her feel slightly sick.

Did she fancy him?

No matter how much Lily probed her own feelings, she couldn't find a satisfactory answer to that question. She was a prefect, a sensible girl, heading for O's and E's in her exams. She'd been called a teachers' pet, but the truth was that she was happiest when all her work was done, and she could hang out with her friends. Still, to her, schoolwork was important. The fact that she was lucky enough to be part of this magical world despite her non-magical background meant that she didn't want to miss any opportunities to learn about it. James, on the other hand, was a cocky arrogant jerk, who walked round Hogwarts as if he owned the place. He snuck out at night, was in detention more often than out of it, never listened in lessons...but still managed to be nearer the top of the year than the bottom. She should hate him, but couldn't manage to. So no matter how many times she insisted that she didn't like him like that, she always knew it wasn't quite the truth.

She swore as a school barn owl landed in front of her, knocking her orange juice into her lap. Mary shook her head sympathetically.

"I hate it when that happens. For sure, you'll need to change before we go to Hogsmeade."  
Lily nodded, before checking that the letter was addressed to her. She was surprised to see it was – her parents didn't tend to write this close to the end of term. The writing was wrong as well; all capitals as if whoever it was didn't want her to know it was from them. She dabbed at her shirt with a napkin and opened the letter.

MEET ME AT THE SHRIEKING SHACK AT 11. WE NEED TO TALK.

She turned it over. There was nothing else.

It took Lily all of five seconds to work out who it was from. Well, which two people were possibilities. And she was pretty sure James would just find her if he wanted to talk.

"Back in a sec." she said to the girls, crushing the parchment in her hand. She could see Remus watching to see what was wrong, and beckoned him towards her. They met halfway along the Gryffindor table, and she pulled at his shirt so that he sat down between her and a second year.

"What's up, Lils?"

"James didn't send this, did he?" she uncrumpled the letter and handed it to him.

Remus gasped. "No way! Sure he wants to talk to you, but he's got the brains to realise he's treading on thin ice at the moment. He isn't planning on pushing it."

"It's Sev then."  
"Snape?" he paused. "Lily, tell me you're not going to meet him."

"Of course not." she reassured him. "See you in Hogsmeade, probably. Bye, Remus."

Lily walked back to her happily chatting friends, her jaw set. She was going to have to deal with Severus Snape. It was just a case of how and when she did it. She needed a plan. And she had about two and a half hours to think of one.

"I've got to go, I promised I'd look at the price of an owl to France." Lily lied, putting her empty butterbeer glass down on the table. The girls moaned, but let her go, and Elsa began to head to the bar for another round of drinks.

Despite thinking constantly over the past couple of hours, she had no idea what she was going to say to Sev. She'd decided it didn't matter. It was probably better that she made it up on the spot anyway. She shook her head as she passed Honeydukes. Who was she kidding? There would just be another shouting match, and she'd probably end up running back to Hogwarts in tears. This was a stupid plan, she shouldn't be going, she'd promised Remus she wouldn't...

Lily was still debating when she reached the Shrieking Shack.

"You came."  
Lily looked up in surprise. Why would Sara West want to meet her? She hardly knew the Ravenclaw girl, apart from having sat by her in Arithmancy for a while. She was small, and wearing a cardigan with too-long sleeves over a summery dress. She was watching Lily, a sad look on her face. Lily pulled at her own cardigan, and smoothed her hair over her shoulder.

"Sorry for all the secrecy," Sara grimaced, "I just didn't want everyone finding out. I feel like a prize idiot for needing to talk to you in the first place!"

She walked closer to Lily, who smiled hesitantly. Sara was starting to freak her out a little bit; the long black hair blowing round her pale face made her look ghost-like, transparent.

"I just noticed... Merlin this is embarrassing!"

"Calm down." Lily said. "Start from the beginning."  
Sara was almost crying, tears welling up in her big blue eyes. "I just... He's so nice, and clever, and a prefect... You talk all the time, and I wanted – " she gulped. "Am I wasting my time?"

"Umm..." Lily stalled, playing for time while she tried to work out what in the world was going on. "No, I'm sorry, who are we talking about?"

Sara stared at her. "Remus, of course. Remus Lupin. I like him, but, he's always with his friends, or working alone...or with you." she sighed. "So, I suppose I just wanted to check you weren't together, before I... I mean, if you're a couple, that's fine, I'm fine, but – "

"Sara, calm down." Was this one person in their year who hadn't noticed the screaming matches and her obvious interest from James? Surely everyone knew Remus was just a friend, a go-between at the moment. She'd heard rumours that he fancied her a year or two ago, but how could Sara be jealous of her? "It's nothing like that between us. We're friends, and he's been great at talking me through all the stuff going on at the moment, but that's it. We're not together, don't worry."

The girl brightened, dimples appearing in her cheeks. Lily didn't have the heart to tell her that she didn't think he'd be interested. He didn't seem interested in girls much. For a fleeting moment Lily wondered if he was gay.

"And you're sure you don't – "

"No." Lily said firmly. "Like I said, he's just a good friend. One of the few people I feel I can talk to about everything going on right now."

"Oh yeah." Sara said distractedly. "There was that thing the other week, after the exam... I didn't really notice. I was thinking more about the paper, I'm not sure I got the 100% I'm capable of..."

Lily just stared at her. There had been people in that exam who hadn't seen the way she flipped out? Who didn't think of her as a freak, a basket case? How was that even possible? They hadn't exactly been discrete... She'd always thought Sara was a bit out of it – too busy having her head in a book to notice the world around her. But that was work focused even for a Ravenclaw, managing not to notice a fully=fledged shouting match right under her nose! Though now it seemed she'd been peering over her book at a certain Gryffindor prefect. The poor thing was obviously too shy and embarrassed to flirt with him (though Lily had no idea how he'd respond if she did).

"I've got to go. I promised I'd help Saskia hand out questionnaires on teaching this term. She wants a fair representation from all houses, seeing how well prepared they felt for OWLs. I could give you one now, actually, if that's alright?"

Sara handed her a piece of parchment with questions on it. Lily tucked it straight in her bag. She might look at it later.

"You can hand it back to me or Saskia, or send us an owl... But if possible, can it be before the end of term?"

"Saskia Lee, right?"

Sara nodded. "Yes, that's it. Anyway, I have to go. Thanks Lily!"

Lily didn't move. She was still in shock that it hadn't been a certain fifth year Slytherin boy who'd wanted to meet her. A sense of relief gradually coursed through her as she realised that she wouldn't have to talk to him yet, if at all. It was brilliant that it hadn't been James either, that he was doing as she'd asked. The ghost of a smile crept over her face as she started to walk back towards the village. For once, something was going right. She just hoped it would stay that way for the last couple of weeks before the end of term. Though she'd be happy to talk to James, as long as it was about something other than going on a date or him having cursed someone, or generally pushed his weight around.

As she emerged from the tree line, Lily was hit headlong by a running figure. She pushed the heavy weight off her, coughing, and struggled to her feet. Remus had already jumped back up and she could see the other three jogging to catch up (well, Peter was running, the other two were jogging).

"What the hell, Lils? You promised you wouldn't go and meet him! Are you okay?"

Lily rolled her eyes. "Don't get your wand in a knot, Moony. It wasn't even Sev. A girl wanted to make sure I wasn't dating you." she winked, and smoothed her hair into place as the rest of the Marauders finally arrived.

James was the first to speak. "Did I hear this right? Did Evans say a girl was asking about you?" he started to rumple his hair, but stopped when Lily caught his eye and looked at the floor sheepishly.

"A girl? Way to go Moony, knew you had it in you!" Sirius grinned and clapped his friend on the back.

"Who is it?" Peter squeaked, looking at Remus in awe.

Lily laughed. "If you think I'm telling you lot, you've got another think coming. I'm not even sure I should tell Remus..." she paused. "But I might consider it if you lot bugger off and go cause havoc somewhere else."

Peter's face fell, and Sirius looked about to argue, but James nodded to her and steered the pair of them in the other direction.

"See you Evans!" he called over his shoulder.

Lily waited until she thought they were out of sight before rounding on Remus. She glared at him. "What in Merlin's name were you doing? Did you follow me here?" she tossed her head angrily and continued to shout. "I thought I'd got rid of two idiots trying to control me, not gained another one!"

He glared back at her. "Maybe if you wouldn't do such stupid things, people wouldn't feel obliged to protect you. And maybe if you kept your promises, or at least let your friends know your plans, we wouldn't all end up pissed off."

They stood there, looking daggers at each other, for about half a minute before breaking into grins. Remus shook his head, unable to keep the smile off his face.

"Sorry, Remus. I should have admitted I was planning on going. But at least now you know about your secret admirer." Lily smiled, then saw her friend's face falter. "What? What's wrong?"

He sighed and looked away from her. "Nothing." he said in a monotone. "Nothing, I'm fine. Who is it?"

Lily looked at him. He most definitely wasn't fine. She'd thought she was giving him good news, but the look on his face was as if she'd just told him he was going to Azkaban. Unless...

"Remus?" she said hesitantly. He looked at her glumly, saying nothing, and she gulped. This was so embarrassing. "I was just, well, I wondered if you're – Oh hell – Are you...gay?"

His eyebrows shot up his forehead and Lily could feel her face going scarlet.

"It doesn't matter, I just... Oh, forget I said anything –"

Remus was already laughing. He seemed to be unable to breath, he was laughing so hard. "Gay?" he spluttered. "You think I'm – Ha!"

Gradually Lily started to laugh with him. She couldn't believe she'd actually asked Remus that. It was lucky he'd taken it well. She felt like a complete moron for mentioning it. She looked at him, and he finally stopped laughing. She looked at him expectantly, hoping he'd confide in her. Let her into his mind.

"How can I, with what I am?" he muttered. 2how can I put someone through that?"

Lily's jaw dropped. She hadn't even thought about whether his 'furry little problem' would impact a possible relationship. In part, that was because she found herself forgetting about it, and then suddenly remembering with a jolt of surprise. Still, surely it wouldn't matter. One night every 28 days, that was the only time it would be an issue.

"You can't let it rule your life like that." she said quietly but firmly. "It doesn't matter. Hell, most girls go crazy when it's their 'time of the month', and no one cares about that! If she really likes you, she'll accept it as part of who you are."

Remus looked at her in shock. "You mean, you think I should tell her? Oh yes, that sounds like a great first date. 'Hi there, I hear you fancy me... Did you know that once a month I get claws and fangs and want to bite people?'" he sighed. "If I tell her, she'll be disgusted. Who wants to have a boyfriend who's a monster?"

Lily punched his arm. "You aren't a monster. Besides, if you don't tell her, you'll have to come up with an excuse to disappear every full moon. You can't have a relationship based on lies, Remus."

"That's funny," he said scathingly, "I thought that's what I'd done with everyone at this school. Name one person who knew I was a werewolf before becoming friends with me." he looked at her, waiting for an answer. "Oh, that's right." he snapped. "You can't."

She hesitated, trying to form a possible counter-argument. It was difficult. So many witches and wizards were completely prejudiced. She knew that from experience. And they were just as bad about werewolves as they were about muggle-borns. Telling him she'd be fine with it wouldn't necessarily be a lie...but it sure as hell wasn't the whole truth. "She's bright enough that she'll work it out if you don't tell her."

"Is that so?" Remus mocked bitterly. "In that case... Scenario one, I ask her out and don't tell her. Everything's fine for a week, a month, a year, until she puts two and two together and comes up with wolf. Scenario two, I tell her, she freaks out and tries to keep away from me. Both of those end up with me leaving the school, as she's going to tell someone, and soon the whole school will hear the news. I'm not you. I can't deal with that. Personally, I like scenario three, where you tell her I'm not bloody interested and I get to stay at Hogwarts!" he was bellowing by the end of the furious tirade, and Lily was stunned to see tears in his eyes.

"Remus?" she began. "Please...just think about it Moony."

He glared at her, loathing apparent in the twist of his expression. "Don't. Call. Me. That." he closed his eyes, trying to control his rage. "Just go. Leave me alone." he met her eyes, seeing the hurt in them and wishing he could say something different.

She ran.

James saw her emerge on the high street from his window seat in the Three Broomsticks. She stopped dead, seeming to have no idea where to go. He could see from forty feet away that Lily was crying and Remus wasn't with her. He downed the rest of his butterbeer and put a few sickles down on the table to cover it, not taking his eye off Lily stood in the street. "See you back at Hogwarts." he said to the other two. They looked up in surprise, but James was already gone, ignoring Sirius' call of "where's the fire, Prongs?"

James forced himself to walk slowly out of the pub, moving hesitantly towards Lily. If being an animagus had taught him anything, it was that being too fast or too loud would spook any animals in the area. The way Lily was right now, he figured it would probably have a similar effect. Forcing himself to ignore the fact that Sirius and Peter were probably laughing their heads off watching him, he moved so that he was fairly close to Lily.

"You alright, Evans?" he called quietly. To his relief, she took a step towards him. It was worse than trying to outstare a hippogriff, the tension was killing him. "Where's Moony?"

She gulped, and James could tell he'd said the wrong thing as tears welled in her eyes again. "He said... He told me to go."

"Look, why don't we go somewhere more private? You can tell me what happened." he pleaded. He knew she'd hate herself later for crying in the middle of Hogsmeade, right by the window of the Three Broomsticks. He needed to get her somewhere she'd be happy to talk. To his surprise and relief, Lily nodded. He started to lead her towards the Hog's Head, knowing it would be quieter in there. The barman was a bit odd, but he thought Lily would be better there than watched by half the school back at the nicer pub. She started crying again as they passed a couple of Ravenclaw girls James vaguely recognised, but followed him all the way into the dingy bar. It was all he could do not to pull her into a hug, but he wanted to help and knew that wouldn't.

"What happened, Lily?"

She looked up at him from her barstool when he said her name, and opened her mouth to say something.

"Are you two gonna order anything or not?"

James cursed under his breath and pulled out a galleon. "Two butterbeers, please?"

The barman nodded, and gave them two grubby glasses of butterbeer before returning to wiping a glass. Lily took a sip as James sat down beside her. He wanted to take her hand, or hug her or something, but forced himself to wait for her to talk. He took a few more sips of butterbeer before she poured out the whole story to him. Well, most of the story. Everything except the name of the girl who'd started it all.

"I don't know what to say... I can sort of see both your points of view." Lily looked at him aghast, and he hurried to explain himself. "Well, obviously you're right that he shouldn't let it run his life. That was part of the reason we – " he stopped.

"I know you're Animagi." Lily said, sounding numb. "Keep going."

James took another sip of butterbeer before continuing. "Yeah... well, we did that so he didn't have to suffer it all by himself. So that he wasn't sat in the Shrieking Shack, chewing his paws alone one night a months. He's got to be a human first and a werewolf second. But still... Merlin, Evans, you won't date me because I'm a cocky git every so often – which I will freely admit. Are you so sure that this girl, whoever she is, would want to date him if she knew the facts about his 'furry little problem'?"

Lily frowned. "Don't make this about us, Potter."

He rolled his eyes. "My point still stands. How can you know she won't freak out and humiliate him? How can he know that? Particularly as he still doesn't know who she is."

She glared again. "If you just got me in here to find out who – " she seethed as James interrupted.

"Give me some credit, Evans. I may be a prat, but I do have some morals. I wouldn't have ignored anyone crying in the middle of the street like you were." Except possibly Snape, he added mentally, though to be honest he'd probably just laugh at the snivelling git. Best not to mention that to Lily. "I mean, if you want to share, I'm here. But you don't have to. In fact, I'll just go if you want me to. Whatever would be most helpful." he crossed his fingers, hoping against hope that she wouldn't ask him to leave.

There was a long pause.

"Don't go." she said quietly.

A few tears flowed from Lily's eyes, and James ignored all the warning bells going off in his head, jumping up to give her a hug. He marvelled that she didn't push him away, and tried not to read too much into it. His feelings for her didn't matter right now. What mattered was getting Lily to stop crying, and trying to make her happy again. He kept cuddling her, feeling her sob against his shirt, knowing that it wasn't just Remus' love life and the argument that was making her cry. She was so stressed at the moment, and he couldn't help but feel guilty about that. James felt her inhale deeply and loosened his hold around her. She looked up at him, an arm having made his way to rest on his shoulder and her hair flowing down her back.

"Sara." she choked out. "Sara West."

James thought for a moment, then cursed silently. "From Ravenclaw?" No wonder Lily had burst into tears as they passed her handing out flyers with the Ravenclaw prefect. And no wonder she was so sure she's work it out if she was going out with Moony, it was only the work obsession most of their house had that had stopped any of the Ravenclaws from realising before. Well, that he knew of – any of them could have discovered the truth and not bothered to spread the news.

"I've been an idiot, haven't I. He could hardly tell me what he is. Let along put his trust in some girl he hardly knows!"

James passed her her butterbeer and rumpled his hair."I wouldn't say you've been an idiot. You just need to realise that it was a big step for him to tell you, someone he knew wouldn't judge him. Telling him to tell Sara is opening up a huge can of flobberworms. He knows how most people see werewolves, and has no real issue with lying about it to be accepted. That's how he was brought up."

They sat in silence for a while, before James snorted with laughter. "I still can't believe you thought he was gay."

He was relieved to see that bring a smile to Lily's face. "Me either." she let out a hesitant giggle. "Though in my defence, I've never seen him near a girl. Not even Alicia, and half the school's been after her at some point. I heard a rumour he fancied me once..."

"Who hasn't?" James said slightly bitterly.

Lily blushed, feeling guilty. "That's beside the point."

James took another sip of butterbeer, trying to decide how to play it. He knew he should just change the subject, laugh it off, but couldn't bring himself to. "Forget Alicia, half the school's been after you at some point over the past few years. Or at least the majority of the boys in our year. And yet I've never seen you with a boyfriend..." he joked. "Should I be worried?"

He grabbed the beer, using it to stop his stool falling over as she pushed him. It wasn't long before both of them were laughing. It felt good to laugh, for both of them. Lily hadn't really laughed for a while. It was nice to know she still could.

"Well, there is this one guy..." she began, twirling a section of hair around her finger and pointedly ignoring James' hopeful look. "I sort of like him... But there's no way I could cope with the stress of having him as a boyfriend. Not with how much of an idiot he act most of the time." she bit her lip, trying not to smile, and then took his hand. "But if he toned down the cursing and acted a bit less cocky, he could be a really good guy. So maybe in a few months, if he tries to be less of a prat, I'd consider it."

James squeezed her hand, nodded, and let go. "All I want is a chance, Evans."

"I want to get you one, but it has to be on my terms. So please," she whispered, "stop being stupid, and let me try to trust you. Remus isn't the only one scared of being hurt."

She pulled him into a hug, and James froze for a second before slowly stroking her hair. He tightened his hold around her, feeling her snuggle up against him. He'd do anything for this to happen all the time. Anything. Lily was funny, intelligent, beautiful...and completely mind-boggling. He never knew what she was thinking; even when she made it fairly clear like now he knew there were things she wasn't saying.

"I promise he doesn't hate you. And, I also promise I'll try to do better." he murmured into her hair, inhaling the scent of Lily Evans. It was difficult to decide whether it was his imagination, or whether she actually whispered "thanks, James".

The door banged open, and she suddenly pulled away. A group of Slytherins walked in, headed by Aliona Selwyn, who was in full angry flow.

"You said we'd get away with it at the Three Broomsticks, you snivelling half-blood! What makes you think we'll get away with it here?"

A familiar voice replied in a lazy drawl. "How was I supposed to know that Professor Slughorn would be there?" he asked from the back of the group. "This guy will sell – " Snape caught sight of the two Gryffindors at the bar and stopped dead in the doorway. "Potter." he said with revulsion. Then he realised who the other Gryffindor was, and went even paler than usual. "Lily?" he breathed. then he shouted. "What the hell are you doing here with him?"

Lily stood up, clenching her fists. "Get out." she took a step forward so that she was between the Slytherins and James.

Aliona glared at her. "How dare you tell us to get out? You're nothing but a jumped up, ugly little mudblood!"

James sprang forward, but at a glance from Lily he stepped back. "Shut up. This is between me and him." she pointed at Sev. "It's about how he decided that despite the fact he thinks I'm dirt he still feels like he has the right to decide how my life goes!" she laughed hollowly, and glared at the hook-nosed boy who'd hurt her so much. "How can you think that? How dare you walk in here like you own the place and have a go at me for being here with James? At least he cares about how I feel!"

"Lily, I – "

She cut him off with a slap. "It wouldn't be your business if I was with him. You've made it perfectly clear that you think I'm worthless. Yet you still want me to take you back as a friend. I'm confused, Sev. Which is the real you? The boy who told me that being muggle-born wouldn't make any difference? Or the prejudiced twat who believes that just because my parents don't have magic I'm somehow worse than him?" she turned away, back to James. "Have fun with your new friends. Try to treat them better than you did me." she turned, raised a hand, and he flinched, expecting another slap. "See," she whispered, "magic isn't the only way to be powerful. Come near me again, and I'll break your bloody nose."

James grabbed her arm. "It's okay, Lily. Leave him be. You don't have to talk to him. He's not worth bothering with." he pulled her round the silent group of Slytherins and out the door. Snape called after them, but James slammed the door. Lily was muttering to herself.

"I shouldn't have hit him, I shouldn't have, I wasn't making any sense... Great, so now everyone thinks I'm an idiot too, that's just fantastic."

James pulled her towards him and kissed her forehead. She shut up. "That was brilliant, Lily. Stop worrying and smile. Sure, you might need to watch out for the Slytherins for a day or two, but there's no way you'll get a detention, as he won't want to admit a girl beat him up. You showed him, Evans. That was brilliant!" he grinned wider when she smiled up at him.

"It did feel good, slapping him." she admitted, before looking at her feet guiltily. "Hurting someone shouldn't feel good."

He shoved her gently. "You didn't hurt anything except his pride. You didn't even leave a mark. So don't you dare feel guilty about this, Evans, don't you dare, because he deserved to be humiliated."

Lily looked back up at him with a guilty smile, and nodded. She squeezed his hand once more, and began to walk down the street ahead of him. James rumpled his hair and followed to catch her up. For once, an encounter with Lily Evans had gone well. Mainly as it hadn't resulted in her telling him to stay away from her. Though he'd tried giving her space, he really had. Today was an exception. He just hoped that these kinds of exceptions – her actually talking to him – would begin to happen more often. He sighed, expecting that that wouldn't be the case, and continued to follow her. The fact that it wasn't long before she slowed down to let him catch her gave him a little bit of hope, particularly when she smiled. But he didn't let himself believe it meant anything. If James knew one thing, it was that getting Lily to consider him was a nigh on impossible task. But he wouldn't be giving up on her any time soon.

Suddenly Lily stopped dead. There were three boys in the street ahead of them and even from a distance James could recognise his friends easily.

"Calm down, Evans. Moony isn't one to hold a grudge. Just don't expect it to be him asking for details about Sara." he laughed. "Leave that to Sirius and Peter, they're worse than Elsa for gossiping!"

James started walking forward, then cursed when he saw Padfoot's grin. Of course, he'd disappeared to the Hog's Head with Lily for at least an hour. The other Marauders were going to feel like it was Halloween and Christmas rolled into one with all the gossip and excitement they'd had today. Not to mention the sunshine. James glared at Sirius, who smiled wider.

"You two lovebirds made it official then? When's the wedding planned for?" Sirius called cheerily.

James opened his mouth to tell him where he could stick his wedding, but Lily beat him to it. "Sorry Sirius, it was last week... James didn't want you invited." she shrugged. "What was it, something about not wanting a complete twat at the wedding?"

James grinned at her, and heard Peter laugh. Sirius attempted to scowl, but gave up on the brooding look when he noticed Remus smirking at him. "I would argue that the majority of the school, particularly the female half, disagrees with you as to my twattishness."

James snorted. "Come off it, Padfoot. You pride yourself on being a twat, particularly to the female half of the school."  
Sirius rolled his eyes lazily to the heavens, clearly indicating that he'd given up. Lily laughed, but her triumphant expression faded as she met Remus' gaze.

"He's not the only one here who can act like a twat. Sorry Remus. I didn't think."

He waved her away. "No, Lily, you're probably right. I'm just not ready. So do me a favour and, whoever she is, let her down gently?" He saw Lily grimace. "Sorry. You don't have to. Let's just hope she gets over me soon, eh?"

Sirius elbowed him playfully. "Get over you? As if. What sane person could resist that handsome face?" he tugged on Remus' cheek before stepping back gracefully to avoid his friend's shove. "Gotta be quicker than that to catch me, Moony!" Unluckily for Padfoot, James jumped forwards to grab his arm, giving the other two a chance to grab his legs and the other arm. Lily watched in hysterics as they swung him backwards and forwards, moaning all the while, before dropping him on the floor.

"I could report you all for bullying." she teased, offering Sirius a hand p from being sat on the floor.

"You won't, will you?" Wormtail asked nervously, rumpling his mousey-brown hair in a poor imitation of James.

Prongs himself responded by putting an arm around Lily's shoulders, marvelling that she didn't worm away. "Of course not." he said simply. "She's much too nice for that, right Evans?"


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Lily looked up as the other Gryffindors arrived back in Gryffindor tower after the day at Hogsmeade. She waved at the fifth year girls and they made a beeline for her seat by the fire.

"Where have you been? We were worried sick about you!" Alicia shouted over the noise of the returning students as she ran over, bumping into half a dozen people and tripping over a chair. She managed to maintain enough balance to sit on the table in front of Lily. Elsa and Mary made their way over, apologising for their friend's clumsiness.

"Alicia, how can someone who looks as graceful and gorgeous as you find it so easy to trip on a flat surface?" Elsa asked, exasperated.

Alicia tossed her golden hair. "A girl's gotta have at least one flaw."

The rest of the group laughed, before Lily began to tidy up her things. The common room was busy now, there was no point trying to look through careers leaflets. She wouldn't be able to focus. The four girls began to head upstairs to the less hectic dorm room. Lily noticed Mary watching her closely, and sighed. If they expected the true story, they were going to be horribly disappointed. Wild hippogriffs wouldn't drag it from her, and while her friends were more persistent they weren't nearly as dangerous. Well, unless they decided to use magic or a potion to get it out of her... No, they wouldn't do that unless she admitted there was a story. All she had to do was to come up with a series of events that lasted about two or three hours which didn't include arguing with Remus, having butterbeers alone with James, slapping Sev or crying.

"So where were you Lily?" Mary asked as they walked up the stairs. "For sure, Alicia's right saying we were worried for you."

Lily shrugged, keeping her voice deliberately casual as she responded. "Nothing much. I went to the post office, and then bumped into Remus and the others, chatted with them for a bit. But I couldn't find you guys, so I headed back here. Got accosted by some Ravenclaw girls, they gave me a stupid questionnaire." she pulled it out, passing it to Elsa for inspection as Alicia opened the door.

Elsa didn't even look at the parchment. "So you just 'happened' to bump into Remus and that lot?" she folded her arms, seeming a lot taller than her pixie-like five foot two height. "So then." she gave and evil grin. "How's James?"

"Fine, I guess. We're not fighting any more if that's what you want to hear."

Mary coughed behind her, and Lily turned to see a hand extended towards Elsa, who groaned and pulled out a couple of sickles. Mary grinned and winked at her friend.

"Nice doing business with you, Elsa! What odds can you give for a bet on the date of the first kiss?"

Lily shook her head despairingly and walked past Elsa into the cluttered room, heading for her little zone of neatness. It must be something about having grown up without being able to magically tidy, but she kept her room fairly orderly most of the time, especially compared to the others. It wasn't as spotless as usual, as she hadn't started packing yet and had gone through a couple of weeks of being too depressed to clean, but it was still the neatest region of the dorm by a mile.

"So what is this anyway?" Elsa waved the parchment in Lily's face. " 'Which subject did you feel the least prepared for when sitting the exam?'"

"History of Magic." the other three girls said in union, without hesitation.

Mary snorted. "Binns has probably been around while all this stuff happened. He still makes it so boring I want to fall asleep!" she complained dramatically in her strong, Irish accent.

"I'm pretty sure I have fallen asleep in History of Magic." Alicia admitted guiltily. "Multiple times."

Elsa laughed and raised a hand. "Me too. I'll write that down..." she scrabbled around, trying to find a quill and ink in the mess around her bed. Lily sighed, grabbed both from her bedside table and took them over. Elsa smiled, and began to write neatly in the allotted space on the parchment. "History... Of... Magic... because... Binns... is... utterly..."

"Dreadful?" Lily suggested.

"Terrible?" was Alicia's thought.

Mary said simply: "Shite."

Elsa laughed. "I was going to say 'crap', but I like that last one. Utterly shite. Right then: 'Which subject did you feel most prepared for?'"

They all paused. This was a harder one, especially if you included optional subjects. There were a lot of good teachers at Hogwarts, whereas Professor Binns was easily the worst.

"Well, for sure we aren't putting Defence down. That was one of the worst written exams of the lot."

Lily frowned. "I don't know, Mary. For me Arithmancy was worse. I found Charms good, but I've always liked Charms... Transfiguration was okay."

A general murmur of agreement went around the small room. Alicia opened her mouth, but closed it again and Elsa began tapping her foot on the floor.

"McGonagall's a good teacher." she allowed. "And Circe knows I felt better prepared for that than Potions. We should probably put down one of the main subjects, unless anyone felt super fantastic about one of their options?"

No one jumped at her opening.

"Fine then." Elsa looked to Alicia. "Charms or Transfiguration?"

Alicia shrugged. "Probably Transfiguration. I don't know."

Lily sighed, got up and took the piece of parchment from Elsa. There were a dozen more questions, one after the other. What they were going to do with the pointless, trivial information, she had no idea. It wasn't as if the school would change anything because of it. The only things that ever changed were the teachers.

" 'Do you feel that changing Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers every year has disrupted your education?'" Lily read aloud.

Alicia laughed. "Surely I'll find that out when they send out my results! If I passed, then no, if I failed, that sounds like a great excuse!"

They all laughed, but Lily soon stopped, frowning. "It's weird, isn't it? That we can't hold onto a DADA teacher for more than twelve months? Maybe the job's jinxed."

"For sure." Mary said sarcastically. "And maybe I'm going to get the best results in the year. Who'd want to jinx a job? What a waste of effort! No one cares that much about who teaches us, as long as we learn enough to get by. Whoever we get next year'll be grand I'm sure, but that doesn't change the fact that I failed!" she shook her head dramatically. "Ah, don't worry yourselves. It'll be fine, I'm sure."

Alicia went to sit down next to her on the bed. She hugged Mary, then turned back to Lily, who cleared her throat before continuing.

" 'What other optional subjects would you like to choose from?'"

Mary laughed. "Sex education, definitely." she winked at Lily. "Merlin knows you'll be needing it soon enough, right Lils?"

Lily glared as Alicia and Elsa began to giggle. It wasn't funny. For once, she and James were actually getting on alright (also known as not actively antagonising each other). She didn't want to spoil that by having her friends try to make it more than friendship. They were being stupid, as usual. She thought of him holding her and kissing her forehead, but managed to banish the memory before she blushed.

"What about first aid?" she suggested. "I'd have no idea what to do if someone hurt themselves and there wasn't a teacher nearby."

The others nodded grudgingly, obviously frustrated by the change of subject, but Lily had no plans to let this turn into a gossip-fest. It was hard enough for her to admit she'd actually spent time alone with James, and that there'd hardly been a cross word said. Besides, she couldn't admit what they'd been talking about. And she wouldn't admit to slapping Sev. It was too embarrassing. Resorting to physical violence wasn't usually her style.

" 'If you had the option, would you prefer to have Saturday lessons and shorter terms, or to leave the system as it stands?'"

"Lessons?" Mary said incredulously. "On Saturdays? What eejit thought up that idea? I'm wrecked by the end of the week as sit is, you must be off your nut if you think I'm getting up on a Saturday to work!"

Lily laughed. "I'll take that as a 'no' from Mary...Anyone in favour of sacrificing their weekends to get a bit of extra holiday?" No one replied, and Lily began writing. "Me either. Stupid idea."

They debated a few more answers (and the relevance of any of the questions) before reaching on something they could all unanimously agree on.

" 'Do you agree that the House Cup should be abolished, as it promotes a lack of unity between the houses?'"

"You're kidding me." Elsa said, stunned. "Someone actually thinks that? There's nothing wrong with a bit of healthy competition."

"Exactly." Alicia agreed. "Besides if you're going to do that, you'd have to get rid of the Quidditch Cup too, and probably stop sorting people altogether."

"It's not as if there's unity throughout the Wizarding world either. It's not just Hogwarts that's divided, that's for sure." Mary commented.

Her words were followed by silence. Everyone at Hogwarts knew about the growing strength of Voldemort and his Death Eater followers, but it was easy to ignore it within the safe confines of the Hogwarts boundaries. It was harder to think of a powerful dark force when you were tucked up in Gryffindor tower, toasting crumpets by the fire. The Slytherins probably discussed it eagerly. Lily stopped that thought, pushing all ideas of what Sev was doing with his new best friends away to the back corners of her brain.

Elsa cleared her throat, trying to drive away the tension that had bubilt up in the small room. "So...another stupid idea from the Ravenclaws then. What's next?"

Lily moved on. She was grateful for the subject change. " 'Do you think that work experience should be a compulsory part of your education?'"

"That might be useful actually." Alicia said, sounding surprised that she agreed with the survey-writers. "I'd quite like to write for the Daily Prophet one day, and work experience might get me noticed, or at least get me some contacts."

"What if you couldn't find somewhere though?" Elsa argued. "You might end up cleaning school toilets for a week if you couldn't get a decent placement. Hogwarts has never done work experience; we don't have any contacts for it."

Mary shook her head. "They'd never get me cleaning toilets. Work experience is a good idea, but only if no one ends up working here unless they really want to be a teacher when they grow up."

Lily nodded, and noted down the concerns.

"You'd think the Ravenclaws would have enough to do." moaned Alicia. "They've almost won the House Cup outright, we're the only ones that stand any chance against their lead, and that's only if we win at Quidditch."

Elsa giggled. "If we win the Quidditch Cup? If? No one else stands a chance against our team. Particularly not Hufflepuff – they only got to the final by luck, everyone knows that."

"We still don't stand much chance in the House Cup, however well we do in the Quidditch final." Lily said glumly. "But I suppose at least we're likely to win one thing this year. Besides, it's not as if the House Cup means anything."

There was a pause, as everyone present tried to decide whether or not they agreed with Lily.

"I suppose it doesn't mean a lot compared to OWLs or NEWTs." Elsa allowed.

Mary shook her head reflexively. "Don't even mention NEWTs – at this rate I won't be here to take them!"

Uproar followed her statement as the other girls tried to convince her that she'd definitely have passed. Privately, Lily wasn't convinced exams were all that important either, not compared to being a decent human being. At least there were still a few of those around.

"So..."

James looked up. Sirius was staring at him. Damn.

"So what, Padfoot?"

"What happened?"

He might have known. "What happened when? You'll have to be more specific." No way was he going to make this easy.

"Prongs, stop being obtuse and tell me what happened with Lily."

James swore at him, but received only a grin in response. Sirius came and sat on the bed next to his best friend. James swore again, knowing there was no way Sirius would leave until he'd gotten some kind of story. What in hell's name was he going to tell him? He couldn't betray Lily's trust – she'd freaking murder him if he told people she'd hit Snape. Why couldn't Remus or Peter appear right now and distract him? He'd be a lot more likely to accept a lack of divulgence if there were other people present. Why was he friends with such a pack of gossiping old women? Sirius was the worst, by a long way, but Peter was a blabbermouth if he got hold of anything interesting. Remus wasn't too bad.

"Nothing happened." James insisted. "She argued with Remus, and I was trying to calm her down." He looked at Sirius, who'd raised an eyebrow. "What? It's the truth! We had a butterbeer together, maybe two, and I tried to convince her that Remus wouldn't hate her."

Sirius glared. "Details! Come on Prongs, you two basically went on a date. You've fancied the girl for years. Tell me everything."

"For Merlin's sake, you're barking up the wrong damn tree. It was nothing like that. Do you really think I would take advantage of her like that? Really? She was crying her eyes out, and you're asking if I kissed her! Fuck off, man."

"Come on, you know I didn't mean it like that – "

"Forget it."

James knew Sirius hadn't meant it the way he'd taken it, but it didn't change how he felt. He'd felt weird enough about hugging Lily, and was having guilty twinges about kissing her forehead while she was in such a state, let alone anything else. It didn't matter that he knew his friend just wanted to know how the encounter had gone, and what exactly he'd said to her. Implying it was a date was wrong in every way. Of course he wanted to kiss her. Saying he didn't would be a barefaced lie. But he didn't want to kiss her while she was crying. How anyone could do that, try to start a relationship when someone was devastated over thinking they'd lost a friend or anything else, was beyond him. He knew people did it, and he'd even heard of relationships working despite the bad start, but there was no way in hell he could do that to Lily. He'd just have to keep asking her out, give her as much time as possible, and hope that one day she'd come round.

"James – "

"Fine!" he said, finally looking back at Sirius. "Fine, I forgive you for acting like a twat."

"So you'll let me come to the wedding?"

"Don't push it, Padfoot."

"Who's pushing what?" Remus said, walking in with a piece of parchment in one hand. "Don't tell me: Padfoot's pushing his luck with regards to wanting gossip." he glanced around. "Am I right? Tell me I'm right." he punched the air when James nodded. "Score! Ten points to Moony. Oh, and Sirius? Leave him alone."

Sirius scowled, and resorted to distracting himself by stealing the piece of parchment from Remus. He examined it briefly before tossing it to James. James started looking at it as Peter arrived, holding a paper bag full of Honeydukes sweets. James finished looking at the list of questions and passed it back to Remus.

"These two Ravenclaws gave it to me." Remus explained. "They were pretty insistent, especially Saskia Lee, she was practically begging me to bring it back to them in person. Sara was much less obsessive about it."

"Sara?" Sirius asked curiously.

"West." Remus reminded him. "Anyway, it's just a bunch of trivial questions about the way the school's run and the teachers. I filled it in when I was in the library, but feel free to edit as much as you like."

He handed the questionnaire back to Sirius who found a quill and started changing Remus' answers. "What the hell, they want Saturday lessons? Who came up with that idea? Oh wait: a Ravenclaw, obviously. But still. It's got to be one of the most insane things I have ever heard. And abolishing the House Cup? Puh-lease. That is the dumbest idea in the history of dumb ideas. You haven't been nearly scathing enough in your responses to these questions, Moony. Still so much to teach you..."

James grinned, and peered over Sirius' shoulder. "Change that one." he suggested. "I don't care about the future advantages; I'm not doing unpaid labour. I do enough in detention with you, thanks very much, without adding 'work experience' into the equation."

"You put Defence Against the Dark Arts down as the thing you were most prepared for?" Peter added, having made his way over to join in. "We've got to change that."

The debate started, and Remus settled down on the bed with his friends, content to let them decide amongst themselves exactly what to put for each question, and how to word it so that their disgust with the Ravenclaws for bothering to spend their time thinking up these questions was evident. He didn't much care what they put, he was just happy that the arguments seemed to have settled down again. Hopefully it would stay that way until term ended.

ps. eejit = slang for idiot, for anyone who doesn't know. And Puh-lease = please.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

The scenery flashed past Lily as she sat, staring out of the train window as they journeyed to King's Cross. She was too busy thinking to be aware of the view – thinking about how the year had ended and the long summer ahead. It could have ended a lot worse. She'd managed to avoid Sev, and so avoid the confrontation another meeting would surely bring. James had also done surprisingly well at not bugging her, especially considering his more-than-usually swollen ego having won the Quidditch Cup for Gryffindor almost single-handedly (not only had he scored the most goals, he'd also taken over as Seeker when William Hooper from Hufflepuff had knocked Danny Grayson out of the sky with a well-aimed bludger). It was probably only the fact that Ravenclaw had still won the House Cup that had stopped his head from exploding with pride.

"What about you, Lily?"

Lily shook herself slightly and turned to face Elsa. "Sorry, I was miles away there..." she smiled apologetically. "What did you say?"

"What are your plans for this summer? Anything nice?" Alicia asked, obviously continuing a conversation Lily hadn't even noticed happening.

"I'm not really sure..." she said, non-committal. "My sister will be back from Secretarial College for the summer, but she's not exactly the best company, and with the cost of that and Hogwarts, the only holiday is to my Grandma's." Lily paused. What would she do all summer without Sev? "I might get a job." she decided, realising that she only had so much summer work to do and would need something to distract her from results. A job would be a brilliant idea, if she could get one.

"A job?" Elsa said in disbelief. "Why in Merlin's name would you want to get a job? There are so many better ways to spend your time! What job would you get anyway?"

Lily thought for a moment. "Maybe a library?"

Mary burst out laughing. "Oh Lils, that's you for sure! Why would we imagine anything else?"

Lily smiled, and as the others began discussing plans for the summer she went back to staring out the window. She wasn't looking for anything, and as much as it must seem that way, she wasn't trying to ignore her friends. It was just hard for her to focus on their mindless chatter and gossip when there was so much on her mind. The Slytherins would also be having a long summer. Months at home being brainwashed by their pureblood parents and by Death Easter propaganda, being conditioned to believe that she was dirty, wrong, unworthy of being at Hogwarts. Things would just get progressively worse as this 'Lord Voldemort' gained power. She could only hope that the exam markers didn't have a list of everyone's blood status, in case any of them were prejudiced. Besides, even without worrying about what sixth year would bring, this summer would be terrible. Boring and worrying and lonely and terrible. Letters from friends and a possible job might be all that would get her through it...

The carriage door slid open, slamming against the frame. The girls looked up to see all the fifth year Slytherins barging in. Lily jumped to her feet, knowing that this was about her, not the others. She was the one who'd slapped Sev in the face. She noticed him skulking at the back of the group just outside the door, only serving to remind her that he was truly one of them now. She'd totally lost him, and could never get that back. The Slytherins had messed him up. Them and their pureblood obsession.

The thought made her angry.

Out of the corner of her eye, Lily saw her friends standing up and putting their hands in their pockets, obviously getting ready to pull out their wands if necessary. She didn't bother to do the same. If the Slytherins wanted to curse her, they'd do it whether she fought back magically or not, there were simply more of them. She'd happily hit Aliona though, the way she was smirking with self-satisfaction. Stupid, rich, prejudiced bitch. She was the worst of all the Slytherins to Lily's mind. Her dark blonde hair, pretty face and nice manners blinded most teachers to the fact that she was actually a manipulative, sadistic bully.

She'd also flirted consistently with both Sirius and James over their fourth year, not that that would affect Lily's view of her at all.

"Was there something you wanted?" Lily asked, refusing to be intimidated. "Only there isn't space for all of you to join us, I'm afraid." It was true – with four Gryffindors and seven Slytherins the carriage was packed.

Aliona gave a tinkling laugh. "Oh, don't worry. We just wanted a chat with you, Evans. Well," she paused, wrinkling her nose and gesturing behind her, "Severus did."

Lily folded her arms, matching Aliona's grin with an equally cold smile of her own. "I'm sorry," she replied, "but I don't really want to talk to him. I'd have thought he's have realised that the last time we met, but apparently he can't take a hint." she scowled at Severus, feeling a strange mixture of joy and guilt as he flinched.

Another Slytherin girl glared at Lily, who raised an eyebrow in response, before looking back at Aliona. Her pretty face was twisted into a grimace and her eyes were focused on Lily. Lily gulped, before mentally telling herself to get a grip. The sun glinted off Aliona's prefect badge, and she fought to stifle a giggle. How ironic – a prefect, one of the people supposed to uphold the school rules and stop bullying, was threatening her. It was an absurd situation.

"Sadly, as much as I'd love to get out of here, Severus really did want a word." Aliona's high voice was really beginning to grate on Lily's nerves. "As much as I cannot comprehend why he'd want to talk to a dirty muggle like you."

Uproar followed her words – laughs from the Slytherins and complaints from Lily's friends. The noise obscured everything except Elsa's clear voice. "You watch your mouth!" she yelled.

Aliona shook her head disdainfully."Why would I want to do that? Besides, you're a half-blood. Your opinion's hardly worth more than hers!"

Elsa blinked as if she'd been slapped. Aliona smirked again and turned back to Lily. Lily froze in place, staring into those cold, grey eyes. How the hell was she going to get out of this? More importantly, how in Merlin's name was she going to make sure none of her friends got hurt trying to stop the Slytherins? There was no way they'd just let them take her, but the Slytherins would beat them easily in a fight, whether magical or not...

"Mulciber, Travers!" Aliona ordered.

The two huge boys started forward, ignoring the shouts of the Gryffindor girls as they lurched towards Lily, who did the only thing she could think of. She laughed.

"This is your big plan, Selwyn?" she gestured towards the boys, who stopped dead. "Get them to grab me? Very clever, very impressive... Or maybe you're scared, scared of a stupid little mudblood. Why don't you fight me yourself? Worried you'll lose?" she goaded.

Mary laughed. "For sure, she is. She's scared. Aliona Selwyn, scared of a muggle-born, what would your parents say? Suddenly realising that Lily's blood status won't stop her humiliating you?"

"I could beat her easily." Aliona spat. "It's just a waste of my time."

Lily tilted her head to one side, a small smile playing on her lips. "Bring it on, Selwyn. You think you can beat me? Prove it."

You could have heard a pin drop in the silence that fell following her challenge. Well, until Mary let out a laugh at the open mouths of most of the Slytherins, killing the tension instantly. Lily laughed too, in an attempt to banish the nerves that suddenly hit her. Had she really just challenged the most ruthless, sly, manipulative girl in the year to a duel? Was that really her? What was wrong with her at the moment?

Lily was so caught up in her thoughts that she hardly noticed Severus slip away.

"Right, Evans." Aliona gave a deadly smile. "Are we doing this in the corridor?"

Lily nodded, and extended a hand, motioning for the Slytherins to leave the carriage first. She followed, but Alicia grabbed her shoulder as she reached the door. "You don't have to do this, Lils. We can just close the door, seal it, ignore them." she insisted.

Lily shook her head. "This is something I have to do."

She walked out of the door. Aliona was stood a few feet away, staring with an evil glint in her eye. All traces of a smile were gone – she looked at Lily now with pure loathing. Lily stood still, not frozen but paused, waiting, ready. She wasn't scared any more, just sad. Sad that anyone could feel that level of hatred towards her for something that wasn't her fault. Lily looked at Aliona, tense with rage and barely-disguised hatred, and felt only pity. It was wrong that she'd been brought up believing herself to be better than everyone else. That wasn't her fault.

But continuing to believe it, despite all evidence to the contrary, at their age? That was her fault.

Lily's wand was in her hands without her seeming to actually go through the motions of getting it out. She walked forward until she met Aliona, bowed, then walked back, hardly aware of anything but her heart hammering so loudly she'd swear you could hear it a mile away. She heard people moving to each side of the carriage, getting out of the way, but didn't look. She was staring at Aliona, getting into battle position – how was she supposed to think of spells when it was all she could do to breath?

"Stupe-"

"Protego!" Lily shouted, blocking Aliona's stunning spell. She hesitated, trying to work out what to do next –

"Conturbo!"

Lily ducked the jet of blue light that would have turned her into a gibbering wreck until the curse was lifted and hurriedly blurted "Petrificus totalus!"

Aliona laughed as she blocked the spell easily. "Is that the best you can – "

"Incendio!"

It was Lily's turn to grin, as Aliona's sleeve set alight instantly. The Slytherin girl hurried to put it out, Lily feeling that it was only fair not to attack her while she was busy.

"Had enough yet?"

"Pugnus!" Aliona spat.

Lily stumbled back, clutching her chest. She felt winded, as if someone had punched her. It was all she could do to gasp "Protego!" to gain a bit more time as Aliona sent another curse at her. She took a deep breath. "Impedimenta!"

Aliona immediately slowed down, hardly able to move her wand at all, let alone fire spells at Lily. It was the chance Lily needed. She was about to stun Aliona, to finish it once and for all –

"Expelliarmus!" a voice bellowed.

Lily and Aliona's wands flew out of their hands and were caught by James. He winked at Lily.

"The trolley's coming soon – you'd better move if you don't want to get kicked off the train for fighting. Besides, I think we all know who's won here." he clapped Lily on the back and handed her back her wand, rolling his eyes as a glare slowly appeared on Aliona's face.

"Finite incantatum." Lily muttered, pointing her wand vaguely at Aliona and heading back into the carriage. She felt something brush against her face, and turned round at a squeal of shock from behind her. Aliona was dangling in the air, trying to hold her skirt up as she hung seemingly from one ankle, upside down.

James had his wand pointed at her, an icy stare pointed at the pretty Slytherin face. "The duel's over, Selwyn. You lose." he let her down with a thump and watched until she'd gone. Then he turned to Lily.

"What, Potter? What do you want?" Lily stamped her foot. "I don't understand!"

James waited until the crowd had dispersed before talking. "Do you have any idea how much you worried us? How much you worried me? I thought – " James shook his head.

"You thought she'd beat me?"

James grabbed her shoulder. "No! Never, Lils! I knew you'd beat her. I just didn't want you to get hurt doing it. Or after. She was cursing you, if I hadn't done that who knows what she'd have hit you with! And even if she'd missed, Mulciber and Travers, they'd rip you apart!" she began to turn away, but he pulled her back. "You didn't see their faces – they'd have bloody tortured you. If it had just been Selwyn I'd never have stepped in, but them..."

Lily shrugged. "So you really thought I'd beat her?"

James laughed. "Lily, you did beat her! Sure, you took a few hits, but you were great!" he hugged her, then stepped back. "Sorry."

"Why are you sorry?" Lily asked incredulously. "For being impressed by my duelling skills, or for hugging me?"

James gave a non-committal shrug and gestured towards the compartment door. Lily rolled her eyes and headed into the carriage. To her surprise, the other Marauders had joined the Gryffindor girls, leaving just enough room for her and James to fit in. Sirius, predictably, was sat between Elsa and Alicia, with Mary opposite, laughing at a joke. Peter sat by the window, trying to involve himself in the conversation, and Remus had already got out a textbook. He looked up as Lily and James walked in, gave a vague smile, and went back to his book. Sirius, on the other hand, began to clap, encouraging the others to do so. James sat down next to Remus and nudged him with his elbow before starting to clap himself. Lily looked at them all grinning up at he (even Moony had got his nose out of his book to give her another smile) and felt slightly guilty that they were applauding her for starting a fight.

"Calm down, all of you." she said, sitting down beside Elsa, aware of James opposite her. "It's no big deal."

Elsa turned and started scrutinising her. She spent about thirty seconds doing so before turning back to the group. "No." she announced. "I can tell by her face – no kiss yet. Pay up." she put out a hand, and there was an awkward pause before Mary pulled out a few knuts, as did Sirius and Peter. James gave a sigh, obviously disappointed in his friends. "What?" Elsa asked. "H=it's a great way to make a bit of cash."

Lily rolled her eyes and settled down into the seat. As the conversation began again, she started to relax. While she still couldn't believe she'd just started a duel in the middle of a crowded train, nothing seriously bad had actually happened. She just had to hope that the rest of the journey was a bit less tense.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Mary,

Nice to hear from you. The summer has been pretty dull up until recently when I started getting letters! My job at the library has at least given me something to do. It's not as if I want to be in the house all day with Petunia and my parents. Particularly Tuney – she's even worse now she's realised me and Sev don't talk any more, she's acting like it's proof that anyone with magic is a freak (though at least I don't have the embarrassment or her shouting "Freak, it's that boy for you!" every time he visits). Luckily she's planning on spending half the summer at her new boyfriend's house so I won't have to put up with her for much longer.

Have you started on any of the holiday work yet? I was having a look at the stuff we had from Charms in my break yesterday and it didn't look too bad... But McGonagall's Transfiguration was a lot more complicated than this year's stuff.

Enough about work – how's everything at yours? Paddy looking forward to starting fourth year in September? What are your sisters up to at the moment? And your other brother? (I've forgotten his name...is it Sean?)

Anyway, I hope you're having a good summer so far – it certainly sounds like it! Write back soon.

Love,

Lily

Lily left the parchment on her desk to dry, and picked up her letter from Remus. She didn't want to reply without reading it again; it had more in it than Mary's. She jolted as she heard her mum's voice call up the stairs.

"Lunch time, Lily flower!"

She groaned, putting the letter back on her bed and stroking Mary's owl Athena. She hated that nickname. It was bad enough for an eight-year-old girl who did ballet. At sixteen? The embarrassment was torture. At least they didn't use it in front of her friends from Hogwarts. That would be unbearable.

"Lily!"

""I'm coming, I'm coming!" she shouted. Not that she wanted to. Any minute spent with her sister these days was a strain. Petunia hated her, there were no two ways about it. It was hard. At school, people treated her as if she wasn't really magical, and that she was inferior because of that. But Tuney acted as if having magic made her inferior. While part of her found the contrast hilarious, part of her just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry because of how confusing it was. How could she belong when both groups rejected her?

Lily trooped downstairs and peered round the kitchen door. Her sister wasn't there, luckily. She sat down, grabbed a fork and started eating from the plate of tomato pasta in front of her. Merlin, she hadn't realised she was hungry until they gave her food. At Hogwarts, there were three hot meals a day, and Lily had forgotten to come down for breakfast (technically she'd skipped it to avoid Tuney, but she'd meant to come down later and never got round to it).

"Hungry then?" her mum asked, ruffling her hair.

Lily nodded, a mouthful of food stopping her from replying. Then she groaned quietly as her sister walked in. Luckily, Petunia simply looked at her as if she was a bad smell, grabbed a plate of pasta and stalked out. Her mum went after her, giving Lily time to finish wolfing down her pasta and get back to her room. She exhaled in relief as she collapsed on the bed, picking up Remus' letter.

"Lily!"

She rolled over. "What?"

"Pudding!"

"No thanks!" she had plenty of chocolate in her room. She didn't need to sit in the kitchen with Petunia glaring at her just to get a slice of homemade flapjack. She settled down to finally read the letter from Remus.

Hi Lils,

Hope your summer hasn't been too bad thus far. Mine looks to be fairly boring now I've got back from staying at James'. Padfoot's still there – he'd fed up of his family (I think 'prejudiced bigots' was the phrase he used). Did you get that job at the library? I'd have thought that would get you through the wait for OWL results. Knowing you, you've already finished any work we got set! Though I suppose at least I've started on the work, unlike any of the other guys...

Speaking of them, I was talking to James about you last week (don't worry, the others were busy raiding the larder for a midnight feast). I think he's planning on writing to you at some point, he seemed... I don't know... Nervous? I think he's worried that you being nice to him is because you just want to be friends – which considering he's spent the last few years moaning that you hate him and he stands no chance... Idiot. Thought I'd give you a bit of warning, though it might be a while before he sends anything (with Sirius around he's not going to have much privacy).

I was thinking we could all meet up sometime, break up the summer... Mary could come over from Ireland for the weekend, or we could go there... What do you think?

Anyway, I must go – I need to send this before I get called for dinner. Write back soon – and please persist through James' terrible handwriting when his letter comes!

Moony

Lily lay back on the bed. What on earth was wrong with James? She'd all but told him she liked him last term. She'd specifically said that she needed some time, and to learn to trust him, but that she was thinking about it. Had he given up waiting just as she was coming round? That would be just her luck. It would also be completely her fault. She'd been putting him off for years, though to be fair it was only recently that he'd started being slightly less obnoxious. Maybe she could talk to him about it at a meet up, but if everyone else was there she might not get a chance. Meeting up with everyone would be nice. She wasn't sure if going all the way to Ireland would be realistic though. Even if someone took her by side-along apparition, there was no way her parents would let her go that far. London, maybe. Dublin...not so much. Oh well. She'd write back suggesting London. Maybe Remus would take the hint.

"Oi, James!"

James screwed up the piece of parchment he'd been writing on and threw it into the bottom drawer of his desk. That was the fifth failed letter to Lily. He felt like a complete idiot – how was it that he couldn't even word a basic letter to her? He managed to kick the drawer shut before Sirius burst into the room.

"What, Pads?"

"Where's the cloak?"

James rolled his eyes as his friend began searching through drawers for the invisibility cloak. "Come on, you seriously think you need the cloak? We already stalked her; you know everything there is to know. Besides, she was definitely watching you last time we walked past."

"How do you know she wasn't watching you?"

James coughed, and looked at Sirius, both eyebrows raised. "Seriously? You actually just asked me that?"

Sirius pulled the cloak out of the chest of drawers and left. Within a minute he was back, looking at James questioningly. James groaned, and got up, moaning half-heartedly about work he should be doing. Really he'd rather be making another attempt to write to Lily... Though he hadn't been making any headway on that so far. If only he hadn't bothered mentioning it to Moony. There was no way he'd actually manage to compose a letter to her, however many times he tried, not saying anything important anyway. Now it was more than likely that Lily would be sat waiting for a letter that would never come, and it would convince her that he really was a self-absorbed prat who couldn't even find the time to write one letter to her. It wasn't that he couldn't be bothered; it was that he had no idea what to say!

"Fine!" he said. "I'm coming, I'm coming."

Padfoot's answering grin was all the encouragement he needed. James almost laughed as he watched him almost bounding away. When he got like this, you could almost see the overgrown dog trying to burst its way out. At least they'd got the hang of transforming now, whereas in the past there'd been the occasional unplanned morph into animal form (or halfway...that had been worse, James could tell anyone who asked the disadvantages of having antlers sticking out of your head). Why his friend seemed to think he needed to stalk the girl from the corner shop in order to ask her out on a date, James had no idea. The girl obviously did at least sort of fancy him, it was clear from the way she looked at him (if only Lily would look at him like that, just once...) but Sirius seemed to have this insane idea that he needed to know everything about the girl first. Weird, as at Hogwarts he'd snog anything that breathed. Maybe it was because she was a muggle; he didn't want to slip up somehow. Stalking her under the invisibility cloak seemed somewhat overkill though.

The two of them hid under the invisibility cloak, before leaving the house to head towards the village shop. Lisa – the girl Sirius was currently stalking – was behind the counter. They watched as another boy walked in, chose a magazine (taking his time over it) and went to the desk. He chatted to Lisa for a while, until Sirius was almost jumping forward to hit him. James grabbed the back of his shirt to stop him doing something he'd regret. Soon enough the guy left, to both Sirius and Lisa's pleasure judging by their faces.

"Right." Sirius said. "I'm going in."

James grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him to face him, making sure they were still under the cloak. "Seriously? All this time planning, and you're just going in? What are you going to say?"

Sirius grinned, looking much more like his usual flirtatious self. "I'll wing it. Wish me luck, mate."

Before James could get a better grip, his friend had gone, strolling into the shop. James followed him under the cloak, and managed to sneak in before the doors closed so that he could listen in. Sirius was doing the usual talk about how nice the girl looked, how he'd been plucking up the courage to talk to her for ages (though at least the line was more true in this case than when he used it at Hogwarts). James almost gagged as Lisa started flirting back, asking if he was new around here, if he needed 'showing the sights'. Honestly, Sirius didn't need him, he could just go back, attempt another letter to Lily...

"So, I'll see you tonight?" Lisa asked.

Sirius winked roguishly at her, making James roll his eyes despite knowing he couldn't be seen. "You try and stop me."

James headed out of the shop behind Sirius, waiting until they were out of sight of the shop before pulling the cloak off and stuffing it into his pocket. He looked up at his friend, who had a lopsided smirk on his face. "You make me sick sometimes, you know that? 'You try and stop me', really?" he imitated.

Sirius began to look a bit more sheepish. "Was I a bit over enthusiastic?"

James snorted. "Depends what impression you wanted to give off. If you wanted to go to the pub and share a ginger beer with her, then yes. If you wanted to get her behind a bush and have your wicked way with her, then no."

"So not a disaster then." Sirius responded, grinning.

James had to fight to stop himself from gasping out loud with surprise and shock. "You mean that's your plan? Seriously? You've only just met the girl properly! And before you start moaning, stalking her does not count as getting to know her." he looked at Padfoot, hoping that he wouldn't see confirmation on his face that that was in fact the plan.

Sirius gave him a despairing look. "I am not that bad, and I resent the implication. I was aiming for a bit more than ginger beer, that I will freely admit. But I wasn't planning on going that far, James, or not on the first date anyway. Talk about jumping to conclusions."

James looked at him. He wasn't completely convinced, but decided to give his best friend the benefit of the doubt. Besides which, he did at least completely trust him not to do anything that Lisa wasn't up for. Still, this wasn't exactly to James' taste: picking up a girl from a shop and convincing her she wanted to spend the evening with him. It was the second time already, and he'd only been in Godric's Hollow a week or two. At least there were some benefits. It gave James an evening to attempt yet another letter to Lily. Why was he so terrible at writing to her? Maybe it was the pressure of wanting to write a letter saying exactly how he felt, when he wasn't sure how to word that to himself let alone her. He liked her, really liked her...but how was he supposed to say that without sounding like a total idiot? If only she'd write to him first, give him somewhere to start. He didn't even know where to begin: should he start with 'Dear Lily'? Or just her name? And was it ok to go straight into telling her how he felt, or should he ask how she was first? He wanted to know that, so it made sense to ask, but however he wrote it it sounded like he didn't really care, but was just asking out of politeness. He had bruises all over his shins from kicking his desk in frustration at being unable to even finish a couple of sentences.

He sighed, looking at Sirius grinning from ear to ear as he walked alongside him. Some people had all the luck. He needed to convince Lily to give him a chance, just one chance to prove himself. He had this terrible gut feeling that she was slipping away, no matter how well they'd parted on the platform at King's Cross. At least if Moony's get together managed to turn from a late night suggestion into reality he'd be able to talk to her. Maybe that would be enough to stop him obsessing over her as he had been for the past month.


	7. Chapter 7

Sorry for the later update – I've been away for a week!

Chapter 7

"You can't ask that!" Alicia squealed.

Elsa folded her arms and stared at her. "I just did. If Sirius asked you out, would you say yes?"

"Elsa, he's right there!"

"So?"

They were sat in a circle in Elsa's room. Sirius himself was lying back on her bed, his head propped up on one hand, staring at Alicia, obviously trying to make her uncomfortable. Lily looked away from him and caught James watching her from his place at the end of the bed. He looked away quickly, and she felt even more guilty. He'd been doing that all day: watching her, and then looking away when she tried to make eye contact. It was as if he was trying to find the courage to say something to her, but not quite managing. It wasn't like him at all.

"Fine." Alicia fumed. "If Sirius asked me on a date, I'd go."

"That's not what I meant!" Elsa complained.

"Well it's all you're getting."

"Anyone for a cup of tea?" James asked, trying to disrupt the developing argument. It worked at least briefly – the majority of the room immediately started shouting out their drinks orders. 2Slow down! So that's milk and sugar for you three, milk and three sugars for Mary, black for Sirius – oh the irony – and a hot chocolate for Remus."

He left, and Elsa moved onto her next truth or dare victim: Mary.

"Truth."

"If Evan had asked you to sleep with him in order for him to help you with work would you have done it?"

There was stunned silence before Sirius burst out laughing. Remus sighed, and looked at him sadly.

"Is that really necessary? Besides, Mary, if you wanted help you could have just asked."

They heard James swear loudly from downstairs, and Lily stood up. "I'll go teach him how a muggle kettle works. Back in a bit."

She walked out of Elsa's room and headed downstairs to the kitchen. James was stood staring at the electric kettle, utterly confused. He obviously had no idea what to do with it. He swore again. To give him some credit, he'd at least found the right number of mugs, and some sugar.

"Need a hand?"

He jumped, then saw who it was and stepped back, hitting the counter. "Oh... Hi Evans. I've tried everything, it won't work! Look, I pressed the thingy like Elsa said, and I put the teabags in the mugs, I can't find the hot chocolate, do I just have to melt –"

"Calm, Potter. It's just a few drinks, don't get so worked up." she leaned past him and grabbed the kettle. "You might want to fill it up though. And then try plugging it in at the wall."

She filled the kettle at the sink, then set it on to boil. She started searching the cupboards for instant hot chocolate. There wasn't any at the bottom of the first cupboard she tried, and she was about to move on to try the next one when James came up behind her and grabbed something from the top shelf. Lily turned around. James was stood right there – if she leaned forward she'd be touching him.

"It was right at the top." he said. "I'm such an idiot; I didn't even think to try to cupboard. Everything else was on the side."

He gave a sheepish grin, but didn't move. Lily was suddenly very aware of the kitchen worktop digging into her back, and the couple of inches James had grown since last she saw him. He looked really tall from this angle. His dark hair was flopping into his face and she had the fleeting urge to brush it back.

"You never wrote." she blurted out.

James looked confused, but didn't move an inch. "What?"

Lily blushed, feeling even more embarrassed than before. "I thought... Moony said –" she looked away. "It doesn't matter."

She felt his hand on her cheek, pushing her face up to look at him. "I tried, Lils. I've got at least two dozen pieces of parchment with your name on crumpled in the rubbish bin. I guess I'm just too much of a coward to want to face rejection."

Before Lily knew it, her hand was on his face too, and suddenly she was on tiptoe, her eyes were closing and she was kissing him. She was kissing James freaking Potter and his hand was on her back pulling her closer, but she _couldn't_ be any closer, she was pressed up against him, and why hadn't they done this before? Why hadn't she let him in before? She heard the hot chocolate jar hit the floor and didn't care – Merlin this felt good!

They broke apart and Lily gasped for breath. She couldn't believe that had just happened. She looked down at her feet and saw a small heap of spilt hot chocolate powder. She looked up at James blushing, and he kissed her again. She tried to concentrate on breathing, but he broke it off fairly quickly, kneeling down to clear up the mess on the floor. Lily heard the kettle boil and turned around to deal with the tea-making. She grabbed another mug to make one for herself as well, her mind racing.

She'd kissed him. James. She'd bloody kissed him, something she'd thought for years she'd never do. Although recently she'd been getting closer to it... But did this mean she wanted to be with him?

"James?" she said nervously.

He gulped, looking up at her from his position kneeling on the floor. "Yeah, Lils?"

"It was... It was just a kiss." she saw his face fall. "No, I don't mean... Hell, I'm doing this all wrong. What I mean is, I'm still not ready to be in a relationship with you. So, could you please not tell anyone? I don't want the pressure the others would put on me."

James stood up and hugged her. "It's ok, Lily. I won't tell anyone. I don't expect anything." he laughed weakly. "Though obviously I'd like to be kissing you a lot more often."

Lily smiled. "I will promise one thing. Right now, you're the only guy I want to be kissing."

"So you do want to kiss me then?"

"Don't get cocky, Potter. It was one kiss, not a promise of anything else." she turned around, her back to him and finished adding milk and sugar to the mugs in front of her.

James grabbed the hot chocolate powder and put a few spoonfuls into a mug. "Do I get another kiss if I promise not to tell, Evans?"

She stuck her tongue out as she passed him the kettle to refill. "I said no promises. But maybe. I'll give you a chance, if you can keep it between us." she plugged the kettle back in and passed him three of the five mugs the kettle had been enough for. "Just a casual thing. See how it goes."

He took the mugs, attempting to hold three cups of tea at once. "Course, Lils. I... I don't want to ruin this. I'd rather keep it quiet, at least at first." he grinned. "I promise not to kiss you in front of the others just yet."

"For the last time, I do not fancy Saskia Lee!" Remus said angrily.

"Well, you have been doing lots of Prefect duties together..." Lily teased. "Joking, Remus. Calm down. We get it."

He glared at her. She smiled back sweetly, and he soon rolled his eyes and looked away, having a sip of his hot chocolate. Lily picked up her own mug of tea and took a gulp, before noticing Elsa watching her.

"Your turn, Lily."

"Elsa, you're sat next to Remus. How is it my turn?"

Elsa leaned back, tossing her wavy brown hair. "You missed your turn when you were getting drinks. It's your turn."

"I'm not the only one who missed a turn! James, you haven't had a single go yet."

James looked her in the eyes and she had to fight the urge to blush. "That, Evans, is because I was purposefully avoiding playing." he sighed. "Apparently I'm just not good enough at slipping beneath your notice –"

"For sure he's not complaining Lily's noticed him." Mary quipped, earning a stony glare from Lily.

"Dare!" James called out, before Lily could decide what to say to Mary.

"We haven't had one of them yet, have we?" Lily followed the subject change, glad to avoid Mary's teasing.

"Yeah we have." Sirius told her. "While you and James were...busy...we got Wormy to lean out the window and sing the school song wearing Elsa's pink hat." he paused. "It was fairly lame."

"Agreed." said Elsa. "We need something better for James."

James rolled his eyes and leaned back against the wall. Nothing they'd come up with would be that bad. He knew people who'd jumped in the salamander box in Care of Magical Creatures and had half their skin burned off just to win a bet. There wasn't anything that dangerous in Elsa's house, he was fairly sure, and he wasn't easily embarrassed. He noticed Elsa mouthing something at Padfoot, who grinned eagerly.

"No way! You can't do that!"

Remus had obviously caught what they were talking about.

"Can and will." Elsa replied, grinning like a Cheshire cat.

"Come on Els', that's a dare for her as well as him."

Lily's heart sank. She had a pretty good idea what was coming, and she didn't think it was going to be a nice, simple dare like Peter's had been.

Sirius sat up and looked at his best friend. "Go on then, Prongs. I dare you to get your bloody act together and kiss the girl."

James raised one eyebrow, trying to play it cool and refusing to look at Lily in case his face betrayed him. "Any particular girl? Only there's a few to choose from in here."

"Come on James, you know which one he means –"

"You can't make them so that, it's just wrong!"

"Go on, kiss her –"

"This isn't fair on Lily –"

"Oh, shut up all of you!" Lily spoke over the noise, and the complaints and encouragement stopped. She looked at James, trying to act completely nonchalant whilst fighting memories of him snogging her while the kettle boiled. She could see him attempting his usual swagger.

"What d'you say, Evans? Quick kiss to make them give it a rest?" he looked at her from across the room, not really sure what he wanted her to say.

She laughed. "Only if this counts as my dare too. And it doesn't leave this room." she looked at Elsa, who had the grace to look apologetic. "Go on then, Potter. Give us a quick kiss."

The wolf whistles and cat-calling started as the pair of them stood up and made their way to the middle of the room. One quick peck on the lips and it was done.

What Lily wasn't sure about was why that didn't feel like enough.

"Lily." Mary whispered.

"Mmm?"

"Are you awake?"

Lily rolled her eyes, rolling over in her sleeping bag to face her friend. "No." she said sarcastically. "I'm just replying to you in my sleep."

The vague glow from Elsa's nightlight allowed Lily to see Mary glare at her. "I think we're the only ones awake."

It was true. Alicia was lying on her back on another section of floor, her sleeping bag discarded. Elsa was on her bed, facing them, eyes closed, sucking her thumb the way she always did when she was really tired.

"That's because the other two are sleeping like sensible people. Go back to sleep, Mare."  
Lily turned over, but could feel Mary's eyes on her back, watching her. She turned back and propped herself up on one elbow. "What?" she hissed.

"I was just thinking..." Mary looked at Lily and gulped. "Nothing really. Well, I –"

Lily snorted and shook her head. "Spit it out."

"Earlier. The dare with you and James."

"What about it?" she narrowed her eyes.

"For sure, it's probably nothing. It was only that you didn't seem to be complaining too much. Didn't need a huge amount of convincing."

Lily was silent for a while. Mary had almost given up on a response when she spoke quietly.

"If I hadn't done it they'd just have dared both of us worse things. They'd obviously planned it, Sirius and Elsa, and they'd probably planned something even worse as a backup." she paused. "Besides, he's got a lot less bigheaded lately."

"So you two -?"

"Oh shut up." Lily snapped. "Even if we were, it would be our business. Besides which, we're not. But even if – "

"Calm yourself. I was only asking. I'm not Elsa, out to make a sickle and spread rumours about your love life."

Lily looked at her guiltily. "Sorry."

"It's fine, Lils. I know you're sensitive when it comes to James. I won't ask what's going on if you don't want to tell me." she smiled. "Night."

"Night. And, well, thanks."

"Padfoot? Is that you awake?"

Sirius groaned, stretching out an arm and narrowly missing waking Peter up by punching him in the head. "The moon isn't even half full, Remus. Cease your howling and let me sleep."

"I can't! And you haven't slept yet either. You've been tossing and turning for hours and you're grouchy."

"Well, my patch of floor isn't exactly comfortable," Sirius hissed, "how's yours?"

Even with Elsa's parents away for the weekend they hadn't let them all sleep in the same room. The boys had been relegated to the living room floor, too far away to hear any whispers from the girls. Sirius had expected Elsa to argue with her parents about that, but she seemed to be fine with it. Most of his friends were happy to agree with what their parents told them when it came down to it. Sometimes he had to wonder if leaving had been the right thing – people were supposed to love their families, but all he felt for his was hatred of them and their pureblood mania.

"I was thinking –"  
"Not again, Moony." Sirius drawled.

Remus glared. "About James."

"What about him?" Peter piped up, surprising the others with his being awake.

"That dare earlier..." Moony said slowly. "It felt a bit too easy to convince them. I told you not to do it because I assumed Lily would refuse and you'd just embarrass them both."

"So?" Sirius replied.

"So it was too damn easy! Come on, how much money has Elsa taken off you both in the past five years through them refusing to have a quick snog?"

"Five galleons, eight sickles and three knuts."

Sirius and Remus both turned to stare at Peter, who twitched his nose, obviously uncomfortable.

"Wormy, you need to control your gambling habit."

"That's beside the point, Padfoot. The point is that –"

"That it should have been harder to convince them to kiss for the first time, even if it wasn't a full on snog."

"Exactly."

"Right." said Peter. "So that means..?"

Sirius sighed. "That they might have kissed before. And the traitor never told us that he'd finally kissed the girl. But anyway." he yawned. "I'm too tired for an interrogation just now. There's a lumpy rug and cushion with my name on it. Goodnight."

The others bid him goodnight and rolled over to try to get back to sleep. Whereas James lay awake, staring out of the window at the moon, cursing his friends for paying attention the one and only time he needed them to be totally oblivious.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

James rolled over and opened his eyes. The clock on the mantelpiece said half past nine. Evidently he'd managed to get some sleep after –

He sat up, remembering his friends two am conversation and jumping up when he realised that none of the others were still in the room. Where the hell were they and what new havoc were they wreaking? He followed the sound of voices, and burst into the kitchen. Everyone else was sat around the glass table, while Elsa stood with a frying pan handle in one hand and a spatula in the other. She was the first to notice James, and immediately raised one eyebrow. James was suddenly aware that all he had on was a t-shirt and a pair of boxers.

"No pancakes for you until you put some trousers on." she said sternly, pointing at him with the spatula.

The others laughed, apart from Lily who just rolled her eyes at him. He went to argue that Alicia was only wearing a short nightdress, and then realised that Padfoot would probably kill him. Besides which, he was sort of embarrassed to be in the same room as Lily with no trousers on.

"Excuse me for running when I smelled pancakes. I'll go back and cover my modesty." he gave a mock bow to Elsa and winked at Lily before heading to find some jeans.

"Idiot." Sirius said affectionately, looking at the door James had just left from. "Ah well. Can someone pass the sugar?"

Remus obliged, continuing to smother his pancake in chocolate spread. He looked up to see Lily staring at him. "What? I like chocolate."

"I can see that."

He shrugged, rolled up the pancake and started eating it. Pancakes, chocolate spread and hot chocolate. "Elsa, you do the best post-sleepover breakfast of anyone I know."

"I don't know, Moony." Sirius said seriously. "The steak sandwiches when we camped at James' last summer were pretty damn good."

"Why did I hear my name?" James grabbed a pancake off the plate and sat down next to Lily. She took his hand briefly under the table, squeezing his fingers. James grabbed the jam with his other hand and put a dollop on the side of his plate.

"That's my seat, James!" Elsa called.

James dipped a bit of pancake into the jam. "Finders keepers, losers weepers." he put it in his mouth and smiled as Elsa glared at him. He chewed appreciatively. "Great pancakes by the way. So yeah, my name, why?" he ignored Elsa's further glares.

"We were talking about the steak breakfast camping at yours last summer, Prongs."

James laughed. That had been a great weekend. Just the four of them: Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs, attempting to survive two nights with no help from the grown-ups. Admittedly the magical tent with shower, toilet and fully-fitted kitchen had helped a lot.

"Steak for breakfast. Really?" Lily said, sounding somehow bother judgemental and amused. They'd come a long way, James mused. A year ago, she'd just have been judgemental. And she sure as hell wouldn't have kissed him.

He tried to focus on the question, not the memory.

"Well, we ate so many sweets and crisps on the last night that we didn't want it. But you can't waste steak. So we fried it up for breakfast, and had sandwiches to save on washing up.

"It was so good..." Peter said wistfully.

Lily just laughed. As did the other girls. Soon enough everyone was laughing. James ruffled his hair and stretched, leaning one arm on the back of Lily's chair and reaching for another pancake. They really were good. He noticed Padfoot watching him shrewdly and casually took his arm off Lily's chair. No sense adding fuel to the fire, particularly as so far they didn't seem to have started asking Lily questions. More than anything he wanted to warn her, to apologise for his friends being too clever for their own good, to ask her if she wanted him to tell them to piss off and leave her alone. But instead he had to sit here eating pancakes, pretending he didn't want to turn sideways and kiss Lily Evans. It was almost enough to put him off eating – but not quite.

Elsa sat down at the table with a pancake and started buttering it. "The next batch will be the last." Everyone groaned, but she ignored them, reaching for the sugar. "I've run us out of eggs, I can't make any more!"  
"Do you want me to get started on the last one?" Lily offered. "You've been cooking all morning, sit down and eat some pancakes."

She stood up, suddenly aware of her bare legs and nightie. At least it was longer than Alicia's, and she had a cardigan on as well. Still, she refused to let herself look back at James. She'd only start blushing. She put the pan back on the heat and started filling up the kettle while it warmed. Another cup of tea would do her good.

There was silence for a while as the rest of the room ate.

"Not long until results now." Remus said.

Mary choked on her water. "Now then, there's no need to talk about those. We can ignore them until they come... And then maybe a bit longer." she looked down at her pancake glumly. "I wonder how many I've failed."

"I would hug you...but then I'd have to leave this pancake cooking by itself, and it would burn...2

"Ah, don't worry yourself, Lils."

Alicia hugged her instead as Lily turned the first pancake with her spatula.

"Cheat!" Sirius complained, watching her. "Elsa was flipping them."

Lily glared at him. "No one flips the first one. There's too much fat in the pan, I'd just flick it everywhere. Everyone knows that." she said in a superior tone.

"True," Remus agreed, "though really that means you've committed to tossing the next one."

Lily snorted. Did they really think that would be a problem? She'd been making pancakes every weekend with her mum for as long as she could remember. Tuney too, before she started avoiding the kitchen every Sunday morning, pretending she had work to do, or needed to go and meet someone (who it was she never specified). She sighed internally as she brought the pancake over to the self-heating plate in the middle of the kitchen table. She loved the mixture of magic and muggle in Elsa's house. It made her feel like there was hope for her – like maybe war wasn't inevitable. She tossed the next pancake, to general applause. Evidently they hadn't expected her to succeed. Just like half the people in the magical world – assuming she'd fail. She shook her head slightly to get rid of the unhelpful train of thought. Hang on – was James watching her? She tried to sneak a peek surreptitiously and saw him turn to talk to Moony. So he had been watching. What happened to keeping it casual and quiet? Everyone would notice if he kept staring at her. Then again, once they were back at Hogwarts everyone was bound to notice anyway. If nothing else, he wouldn't be asking her to go on dates at every available opportunity.

The kettle boiled, and Lily paused halfway through sorting out the next pancake, deciding whether to make a start on the drinks or keep going with making breakfast.

"I'll get it Evans." James called, getting up to deal with the drinks orders flying in.

"I could have done it myself, Potter." she said as he came over. He just rumpled his hair, smiling at her.

James stood by Lily, putting teabags in mugs. "We need to talk, Lils. After breakfast." he muttered. She shot him a questioning look, but he just mouthed "later" and started making drinks.

Lily left the kitchen and began to head towards the stairs to get changed. She felt someone grab her arm and realised James was dragging her out of site into the understairs cupboard. She stifled a laugh. "Very romantic, Potter."

He kissed her quickly. "Oh, shut up. This isn't my idea of a great date location either. But I had to talk to you."

"What about?" she asked, brushing some dust off his shoulder.

James ruffled his hair, then took her hand. "I think the guys know – or at least suspect about us." she went to interrupt, but he squeezed her fingers. "I didn't tell them anything. They thought I was asleep. But they were talking last night about it being too easy to get us to kiss..."

Lily groaned. "What do we do now? If we tell them to leave us alone, we'll just be confirming that they're right. If we don't –"

"They'll be bigger pests than ever, tell Elsa, and everyone will know."

They both sighed. James moved a step closer to Lily, crouching slightly to avoid the dangling light bulb. He ran a hand through her long hair, and pulled her in for a hug. She sniffed, and he looked down at her to make sure she was ok.

"It's all going to come out, isn't it." she whispered. "I hoped we could just keep it quiet for a while, see how it went. Stupid. Sirius lives with you now, it was always going to come out at some point."

"I won't tell him anything if you don't want me to." he said seriously. "I mean, once we're back at school people are going to work it out eventually. But I won't tell anyone. It's our business." he grinned down at her. "It's nice saying that."

Lily hugged him harder. "Don't get cocky, Potter."

He kissed her forehead. "Why not, Evans?"

Lily smiled and kissed him again, her hands tangling in his hair. It was amazing how the world around disappeared when she was kissing him – even when the world around was a dusty cupboard with spiders everywhere.

"Umm... James?" she murmured into his lips.

"Mmm?"

"Your, um, hand. It's –"

James froze, suddenly realising that his hand had made its way to her bottom. He stepped away and hit his head on the ceiling. "Crap, Lils, I'm sorry. I didn't mean... I didn't..."  
"Shut up, idiot. I kissed you, remember? I wouldn't mind, except, well, this nightdress is quite short, and..."

He nodded, avoiding her eyes, and everything else. Lily rolled her eyes and put a hand on his shoulder. "Don't beat yourself up." she said. "I'll see you in a bit."

She left him standing there in the semi-darkness. He cursed. He was such an idiot. Why had he done that? It was stupid. He took a deep breath and left the cupboard, blinking slightly at the relative brightness of the hallway. At least no one had caught them. Obviously he wanted to tell his friends, to tell them it was finally working, that he'd kissed Lily Evans multiple times. But if it would put too much pressure on her and potentially end up with her dumping him, he was happy to keep it quiet, at least for now.


End file.
